Ant-Man: Here’s What I Shrink About That

Ant-Man-2015-posterThe latest in the Every-Film-Is-Now-A-Superhero-One franchise, Ant-Man is a short film that follows ex-con Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) – armed with a super-suit which allows him the ability to decrease his size rapidly. I guess you could call him a little con-descending!

When the technology that allows Lang to ‘get low’ falls into the wrong hands – he must embrace the hero within and, with the help of his mentor Dr. Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) and Pym’s daughter Hope (Evangeline Lilly), save the world with one last heist.

Based within the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and the final film of ‘Phase Two’, Ant-Man is uniquely a ‘smaller’ film. No pun intended for the first time ever. The extravagant, massive battle scenes we’ve become so accustomed to are swapped for contained fisticuffs between Lang and, say, one or two lackeys. It’s a welcomed change, and it suits the nature of Ant-Man. The few action/heist sequences within the film are great – executed and shot with a finesse that both utilizes and showcases Lang’s abilities in a brilliant way. It’s just that the rest of the film is really fucking boring.

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The script feels schizophrenic. Fragments of Edgar Wright’s original screenplay seem to shine through what is otherwise an hour of exposition and set-up. The occasional and well-meaning joke or flash of Paul Rudd’s smile as he jeers and cracks asides to barely any effect. It’s a shame because Lang’s real character comes to light when he dons the suit – compulsively apologising as he defends himself, the polite mini-hero is just doing what he thinks is right. The notion of the reformed criminal fighting on the right side of the law perfectly reflected via other Ex-Con Luis (Michael Peña) asking Scott “we’re the good guys, right?” The reluctant tiny hero is a great shift from the bravado of Iron Man or the unnecessary inclusion of Hawkeye in anything.

The low-stakes action lends itself to several great set-pieces that are nice to appreciate but even still the heavy-handed comedy rears its ugly head and you have to grapple between wanting to love the films attempts at scaling back – and hating the elbow-in-side attempts at being the ‘funny one’.  I’d also argue this is possibly the first Marvel film to really utilize 3D in a rewarding way (I’ll concede Guardians of the Galaxy looked great in 3D but that was more to do with the colour-grading than the 3D itself).

But the laboured first two thirds of the film aren’t the only issues. Can we talk about Evangeline Lilly’s wig? Why, in the Marvel film most grounded in humanity, did they decide to make Evangeline Lilly’s hair the most artificial thing since Black Widow’s romance with the Hulk?

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The supporting cast is fine. Pym’s old protégé played by Corey Stoll, Darren Cross (is he furious? Nah he’s just cross) is trying to recreate the Pym particle. Bobby Cannavale stars as Bobby Cannavale and Judy Greer is there for a whole thirteen seconds. Thanks for showing up, Judy Greer! Meanwhile Abby Ryder Fortson who plays Cassie, Scott’s daughter, steals absolutely every scene she’s in. Honestly the only time the writing really works is when it’s in the hands of a child.

At the end of the day, you have to hand it to Ant-Man. Because he’s already reaching.

Some people may criticize me for not loving this film, they may think I will crumble to the pressure and claim that the perks outweigh the flaws. Well I’m sorry but I can’t-man.

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Thanks for staying after the credits of this review! Here’s a special look at my remake of the film:

My version of Ant-Man would just be me at a Christmas meal with my new boyfriend, Scott Lang. Scott’s conservative brother looks across the table – laden with turkeys and roasted corns and more puddings than you could shake a pudding divining rod at – with confused contempt. His chubby only son; Grimble Funder-Lang wheezes a diabetic death-rattle before screeching “which of you is the uncle and which is the ant-man?” Exeunt.

Ant-Man: Here’s What I Shrink About That

Pitch Perfect 2: The Sisterhood of the Treble-ing Pants

Pitch_Perfect_2_posterAfter serenading audiences in 2012 with the surprisingly brilliant Pitch Perfect, the Bellas are back in Pitch Perfect 2 – a film that hits all the same notes, but never seems to find its harmony.

Following a humiliating performance where Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson) flashes the entire Lincoln Centre her Lincoln Logs (her flap amys if you will) the Bellas, disgraced, are forced in their final year of college to reclaim their status as A Capella champions. Their only chance lies in the World Championship – a competition no American group has ever won. Without that victory, the entire history of the Bellas ends in a blaze of gory.

While, the Bellas are also forbidden from adding any new members (with the exception of Flo (Chrissie Fit) who was added somewhere between Pitch Perfect and the sequel I’m guessing) they are visited by a ‘Legacy’ (a girl whose mother was a Bella thereby imbuing her with heretic singing powers) who is a technical loophole regarding new members. Emily (Hailee Steinfeld) therefore joins Beca (Anna Kendrick), Fat Amy and… the others.

Pitch Perfect 2 follows a very logical pattern: audiences liked Pitch Perfect so there’s a very clear replication of the same beats from the first film. But where Pitch Perfect really was Beca’s story – the sequel has so many moving parts it’s easy to become somewhat overwhelmed. There’s the rivalry between the Americans and the German super team Das Sound Machine (sidenote: I am still not okay with a film about an American/German rivalry punctuated by a re-enactment of the Battle of Iwo Jima), there’s Beca’s internship with a music producer (Keegan-Michael Key), Fat Amy is trying to make it as a single lady on the prowl and newcomer Emily is a lyrical genius who bubbles like a glass of champagne in a pool of stale chlorine.

Rebel Wilson shines as funny Rebel Wilson – a role she has perfected over the years, and continues to play both in her life and also everything she’s ever cast in. Meanwhile Anna Kendrick leads the pack in what we’ll call DOING EXACTLY THE SAME THING AS THE FIRST FILM. Really, Aubrey (Anna Camp) shouts, Lilly (Hana Mae Lee) whispers unrelated nonsense, Jesse (Skylar Astin) is handsome and shows up to scenes energetically/freshly shampooed, and Bumper (Adam DeVine) is also there. Flo provides a lot of the comic relief for many of the scenes – by saying something racist about South Americans. It’s within Flo’s character that my biggest issue with Pitch Perfect 2 lies.

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This constant need to pepper every exchange with an absurd one-liner that other characters would simply shrug off. Where the first film did so with a slight charm, Pitch 2 had an air of desperation striving to shock with edgy jabs. Most of which fell pretty flat. Don’t get me started on the weird sriracha shout-out at Beca’s internship.

Strangely – a plot point of the film follows the Bellas trying to find “their sound”, insinuating that along the way they managed to lose a sense of self. Maybe it’s a little too Meta to insinuate that the film follows the same methodology, because I’d also argue there isn’t a point where Pitch Perfect 2 really finds its identity.

Ultimately the music is fine. It packs no punch or surprises as it follows a very similar formula. The Bellas may be back, and there are some genuine laughs to be had – but to no great crescendo.

Not so much a sell-out concert as it was just kara-okaaay.

Pitch Perfect 2: The Sisterhood of the Treble-ing Pants

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ultron, 70’s Era Sexism and Accents, oh my!

10869325_591589580977275_2778898650041679518_oThe latest addition to the Marvel cinematic universe, Avengers: Age of Ultron is a brilliantly fun action film. Well crafted; it’s beautiful to look at and has some impressive set-pieces that’ll have even the Hydra agents in the audience cheering on Iron Man and his motley crew of brave men and also some chicks. But therein lies the rub. Cradled within essentially a great film are two glaring issues: what happened to all the women in the Avengers, and why did no one tell Elizabeth Olsen and Aaron Taylor Johnson to stop that terrible accent?

Set after the events of both 2012’s The Avengers and 2014’s Captain America: The Winter SoldierAge of Ultron sees the Avengers – Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Captain America (My Boyfriend Chris Evans), The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Black Widow  (Scarlett Johansson) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) reunited to save the earth again – this time from their own creation.

While experimenting with artificial intelligence, Tony Stark unwittingly unleashes a ‘peacekeeping program’ onto the earth that almost immediately becomes TOO smart for its own good: the being known as Ultron (voiced wonderfully by James Spader). Ultron manages to recruit two mutants ‘enhanced’, Wanda aka the Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen) and Pietro aka Quicksilver (Aaron Taylor Johnson). Wanda and Pietro are twins from the eastern European nation of honestly the worst accents in cinematic history. It’s as if both Olsen and Johnson took their lessons from Star Trek’s Chekov. When either even begin to emote, their accents fall like a building under Hulk-like pressure to maintain these garbage, garbage accents.

Described as “He’s fast and she’s weird,” you never really get much of an understanding of what Wanda can do. As an altered version of the Scarlet Witch (no more hexes, much more glowy red eyes), and a speedster, Wanda and Pietro hate the “Awengers”, and through a brief backstory to their tortured past, we understand why. Any worries you may have had regarding their integration from the X-men universe into the Marvel Cinematic one are allayed as Whedon manages to craft two unique versions of Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch that seem quite at home in the film, regardless of the ambiguity around what exactly Wanda’s power-set includes. But those accents. Tewwible.

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Unlike the first Avengers, Age of Ultron has a consistent level of action– each sequence just as strong as the next, and with variances that mean the film doesn’t drag or meander. Both the much anticipated Hulk v Iron Man punch-up and the major confrontation in the third act are absolutely stunning. You have to hand it to Whedon, he knows how to craft a really exhilarating action sequence and uses the ensemble to his advantage. Except for one minor thing: When did this become such a sausage fest?

Recently Whedon fired off some tweets at a Jurassic World clip, claiming it was “…70’s era sexist”. In light of this, it’s really interesting to see every female character within Whedon’s Avengers regaled to completely dependent on and defined by their relationships with men. Doesn’t feel like a new era of sexism at all, instead it’s rather staggering. One of Captain America: The Winter Soldier’s strengths is the genuinely lovely friendship built between Cap. America and Black Widow. With so much going on in Age of Ultron it’s so odd to see Black Widow’s story arc whittled down to yearning for love. At one point even Scarlet Witch is lectured to by Hawkeye – the Ross Geller of the Avengers – in order to gain agency. Cobie Smulders plays Maria Hill, S.H.I.E.L.D. badass who, in Age of Ultron can be seen wearing some glamorous gowns and tweezing glass out of her foot and maybe that’s all? At one point Iron Man and Thor discuss whose girlfriend is better, in a “we didn’t want to pay for Gwyneth Paltrow or Natalie Portman” exposition party. Marvel is even under fire for most of their merchandise omitting Black Widow entirely. Maybe people in glass houses shouldn’t throw Joss stones.

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Speaking of speaking; we get it, Joss Whedon is quippy. He has so many quips he used to drive an ice cream truck and call himself Mr. Quippy.Joss Whedon is so quippy he used to be a young Swedish girl named Quippy Longstocking. The film is so jam-packed with one-liners and elbow-jabbing jokes you’re almost left wondering if Whedon was a one-liner consultant on Furious 7. Unfortunately this constant jibing and snark becomes a priority over actual moments of genuine development which is a shame because it’s already in rare supply.

If you’re a fan of the Marvel cinematic universe, you’ll have a blast with Avengers: Age of Ultron, especially if you’re able to overlook a few very strange choices. The film is great, but it may leave you with a bad taste in your mouth and ultimately asking: what happened to all the women and accent coaches?

Avenger? I don’t even know her.

This post first appeared on blog.presto.com.au and here it is again! How droll! 

Avengers: Age of Ultron

50 Shades of Grey – a review by the most single person in the world

Based on the lady-porn of the same name, 50 Shades of Grey is the film you already know it is. It’s all about the sexy world of dominant and submissive relationships, of bondage and a timeless love based on Twilight fanfic. But is it actually sexy? Is it empowering to women? Is it even a good film? To discuss, I’d like to present to you:

 50 Shades of Tay: a journey into 50 Shades of Grey through the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s 1989.

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1.) Like any true love. It drives you crazy. But you know you wouldn’t change anything, anything… anything? (Welcome to New York)

Set in the sexiest city in the world, Seattle, 50 Shades stars Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele, a name so sexy you must pronounce it like your tongue is allergic to consonants (uh-nuh-stuh-sia). Anastasia is an English Lit student who, as a favour for her sick housemate, interviews the mysterious, brilliant, tormented Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). As we all know, Grey is into some kinky stuff, and prefers his relationships be dictated by the rules of a contract he has drawn up, allocating him total dominance.

2.) He says, “What you’ve heard is true but I can’t stop thinking about you” (Style)

Almost immediately, Grey is taken by the sheer charisma vacuum that is Anastasia Steele. She doesn’t know how doors work, she doesn’t have a pen, and she’s a terrible interviewer! Could he GET any more boners?! She asks him five questions, then is walked to an elevator and must immediately cool off in the sexy Seattle rain because her vagina is almost literally on fire from impeccably dull questioning. And yet this chance meeting throws our two lovebirds into a furious spiral of passion. Christian shows up at Anastasia’s sexy job at a hardware store (more like HARD WHERE, RIGHT LADIES?). After some hijinks, Grey shows Steele his softer side, and then his backside and boom. Sexy times. Right? Right…..?

3.) You were too afraid to tell her what you want. And that’s how it works. It’s how you get the girl (How You Get the Girl)

As an audience member, you’re already aware that there’s to be some kind of kink to the sex in 50 Shades, so it’s with expert precision by director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenplay writer Kelly Marcel that they draw this out to the point where the film is all but consumed with the sexiest act two people can partake in: paperwork. Oh yeah, spit on your hand and get ready to watch a film that is predominantly about Anastasia signing Grey’s sex contract. There’s also the development of the relationship, which consists of Anastasia protesting against Grey’s rules – for instance, she must sleep in her own separate bedroom. But this seems to work, because although she appears to be unequivocally unhappy, Anastasia continues to return, pining for the next time Grey will shun her advances to scrapbook their first dates or whatever it is couples do.

4.) Boys only want love if it’s torture. Don’t say I didn’t say, I didn’t warn ya. (Blank Space)

I’m pretty sure Grey was a victim of statutory rape, as a young boy he became the submissive of a friend of his mother’s, and due to this, he explains, he has a proclivity for this kink  – a relationship devoted to the art of BDSM. Anastasia doesn’t seem to mind, because she loves him so much we’re to assume as she tells us almost as often as she looks forlorn at her troubled lover.

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5.) If you love like that – blood runs cold (Bad Blood)

Meanwhile, Grey – who doesn’t want to have a proper relationship outside of the dom/sub dynamic, takes Anastasia to meet his family. A breath of fresh air as Marcia Gay Harden (MORE LIKE MARCIA GAY HARD-ON, GET IT? SEXY MOVIE) actually injects some life into the otherwise sluggish pace. Rita Ora apparently received enough retweets to have half a sentence of dialogue for the strangest cameo ever. Grey also makes sure to be clearly not in a relationship by hiring a glider plane (it looks like a sperm. SEXY) and taking her on romantic helicopter rides. Is it clear now? He definitely does not want romance, except for these huge gestures of romance.

6.) This love is bad (This Love)

Ultimately, 50 Shades is a love story. But it’s not love between Steele and Grey, it’s the love Grey has with a certain kind of sex, and how his love for that sex informs his relationships. Steele is not a modern day heroine in literature and film. Let me be clear: I am in no way chastising the sex within the film. As someone who partakes in dominant/submissive behaviour every time I’m around a breakfast buffet, I am totally on board with that side of the film. What I found to be a really ugly underside of the film was the treatment of Steele as a human, and how she lays down and takes it (quite literally), clearly unhappy and the take-away from the film is that she’s lucky. Lucky to have an emotionally abusive, scowling genius. Steele herself acts as a critique on women, juxtaposed with slinky blonds. She’s not like regular girls! Bet you didn’t know she’s a collector of vintage cars! Are we supposed to pine for the life Grey will provide her? A sterility so cold that even a Rita Ora cameo is a welcome departure from the otherwise couple dominating screen time.

7.) This is gettin’ good now (Wildest Dreams)

So anyway – she never signs the contract, but at one point after being tied up and hit with a cat o’ nine tails, she’s like “ok let’s do some kink”. They do. She hates it.

8.) Remember when we couldn’t take the heat – I walked out, I said I’m setting you free (Out Of The Woods)

She walks out.

9.) The more I think about it now the less I know (All You Had To Do Was Stay)

The soundtrack is good? Tim Burton’s Friend Danny Elfman scored the film and the soundtrack is actually quite good. That’s the only redeeming quality I can think of.

10.) Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate (Shake It Off)

Superfans of the novels are ultimately going to love the film, I’m sure. For me, 50 Shades of Grey was problematic, but more than that: it’s not a very good film. Shonky script, average performances and it’s way, way too long.

Spanks, but no spanks.

This post first appeared on http://blog.presto.com.au/ but I wrote it so I can DO WHAT I WANT, MOM!!!

50 Shades of Grey – a review by the most single person in the world

Mat’s Top 10 Films of 2014

2014 was a great year for films! Unless you’re Kim Jong-Un who was really looking forward to Horns. What a disappointment for him! So – here are my top 10 films of this year:

Blended_(2014)_Poster10. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Recently divorced Lauren (Drew Barrymore) and widower Jim (Adam Sandler) go on a terrible blind date! Jim and Lauren couldn’t be more different. But when they both try and steal a holiday from their friends, they end up going ON THE SAME HOLIDAY! WITH THEIR KIDS!

9. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore reunite for the first time since their last reunion to tell the story of Jim (Sandler) and Lauren (Barrymore). Both are terrible parents because Lauren has sons (a woman raising men!!!) and Jim has daughters (what’s a period!!!!! tampons??? handbags!!! ack!). Also it’s a story of true love and parachuting.

8. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Here’s a story of a lovely lady (Barrymore) who was bringing up two very lovely boys. Both of them have ADD and hate their mother, the youngest one in curls. Here’s a story of a man named Sandler (Sandler) who was busy with three daughters of his own. He treats them like men, they miss their mother. We are all alone.

7. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Drew Barrymore (Drew Barrymore) and Adam Sandler (Adam Sandler) go on a family vacation and blend their family (editors note: this is where the title gets its name from. The blending of families. The vacation is for blended families and the movie is called Blended it DOES NOT have anything to do with the Youtube series Will It Blend).

bella536. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

As Drew Barrymore (Drew Barrymore) awoke one morning from uneasy dreams she found herself transformed in her bed into a gigantic insect.

5. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

This film is very funny. I liked the part where Drew Barrymore TOOK THE PLACE OF ADAM SANDLER’S DEAD WIFE. DON’T WORRY GIRLS, YOUR NEW MOTHER IS HERE. Also how weird was it that no one thought to check on the coping mechanism of that one daughter who was convinced her mother’s ghost was hanging around??? Kinda dark if you ask me, a professional psychologist and part-time gymnast.

4. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Grossly overweight Jim Sherman Klump (Adam Sandler), desperate to lose weight, takes a special chemical that turns him into the slim but obnoxious Lauren Buddy Love (Drew Barrymore).

3. Obvious Child (dir. Gillian Robespierre) / Mommy (dir. Xavier Dolan)

A tie for third! I love Jenny Slate, so a film starring her AND her best friend Gabe Liedman – there was no way I couldn’t like this film. Disarmingly charming, Robespierre attempts to tackle the topic of a modern love story, sometimes things go wrong, but sometimes that’s alright. Obvious Child is funny, full of heart and just an absolute delight to watch.

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Dolan’s films, I hate to admit, I wasn’t entirely familiar with. But having the opportunity to watch both Tom at the Farm and Mommy in rapid succession, it’s easy to become nauseated by how talented the TWENTY-FIVE YEAR OLD directer is. Mommy was an absurdly engaging film and was so interesting to watch because the craftsmanship Dolan exhibits against his heart-wrenching script makes for a truly unusual but absolutely brilliant viewing experience.

_13956923412. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Directed by master auteur, Terence Malick, Blended occurs within the sneeze of a single Rhino. Malick takes us on a metaphysical narrative journey through the moments of life that occur between the moments. Like Adam Sandler pissing against a tent.

1. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

BELIEVE THE HYPE!!!!!!!

Mat’s Top 10 Films of 2014

Blended – Review

Blended_(2014)_Poster2001: A Space Odyssey, Citizen Kane, Battleship Potemkin, these are all films. In 2014 Adam Sandler has also made one I guess. Blended is a film that has actors in it and a script someone probably spent an afternoon working very hard on.

Starring Adam Sandler as Boring Adam Sandler, his dead wife used to work at Hooters so he takes Stuffy Drew Barrymore (Drew Barrymore) there on a first date where she immediately forgets how to eat food like a human and spits an entire meal down her front, then insults Adam Sandler. These two! They’re so different!

So Drew Barrymore’s full-time job is reorganizing people’s closets. That’s her full-time job that she supports her two kids with. She has a business with her best friend (Wendy McLendon-Covey ) called ‘Closet Queens’ because they’re the queens of organizing closets. This lends itself to some ‘comedy’ later because people assume that Barrymore and McLendon-Covey are lesbians. Look beyond the point that a closet queen is typically a term used for a homosexual man because gays, am I right? It’s funny! Are you having fun yet? Sandler works for Dick’s sporting goods which is funny because dicks.

So Stuffy Drew Barrymore and Boring Adam Sandler both have children of their own. Hooters Ghost Mom died (this is the only way Sandler knows how to get any empathy for his boring garbage character) leaving Sandler to raise their three girls on his own. His eldest daughter Hilary (which Sandler calls ‘Larry’) and the middle daughter Espn (Named after ESPN. Yeah) have short hair. Because Sandler works in a sporting goods store, the girls are dressed in sporting wear. So for the whole film there is a ‘funny’ ‘comedy’ ‘joke’ about the girls who look and sound absolutely like girls being referred to as boys. I guess this would be funny if you accidentally fell onto a rusty pipe that had broken through some unstable flooring in a factory somewhere and lobotomized yourself to the point where giggling was the only way you could verbalize any kind of thought or feeling. Honestly this joke reoccurs so often until Larry gets hair extensions and wears a dress. Then she’s finally an ACTUAL girl and Zak Henri (I AM STILL NOT OVER THE LOSS OF BUNHEADS) wants to throw it in her because finally she isn’t some disgusting amalgamation of a shorthaired, tit-less lesbian freak of nature with no discernable gender.

This is the kind of hilarity you can expect from Blended which was neither written or directed by Sandler, but features the most low-grade, uninspiring notion of what comedy is. I guess that’s the most depressing part about the film. Blended takes the comedy genre back ten years, sits it down and says “you been havin’ a lot of laughs recently haven’t ya buddy. Well maybe it’s time we tone it down, all right champ? How about we give your mother a rest and we just – we don’t do so many jokes in the house? Ok buddy? Can you look at me when I’m talkin’ to you? That’s a good comedy.” But it isn’t a good comedy.

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I am laughter already!

Anyway, boring plot fodder occurs and Sandler and Barrymore take their families on holiday to South Africa. Inevitably they bond and Sandler becomes the father figure to Barrymore’s sons and Barrymore shoves an entire mascara brush into the eyes of Sandler’s dudeghters to make them REAL CHICKS. Honestly one of my favorite scenes (DO I HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE?) was when Larry screams “I HAVE MY PERIOD” (DISGUSTING!!!) to her father, so he has to go to the store to buy tampons (GROSS!!!) and has a TERRIBLE TIME reading out all the product names. “Poise?” he pronounces like pussy. “Isn’t that a little close?” Yeah, sure it is, you illiterate bastard. You should be sterilized. Oh another highlight is when Barrymore puts on the ugliest black dress and all of a sudden Sandler is able to see her for the hot chick with tits and vagina that she is, rather than the boring plain-clothed normal frumpy pile of garbage she was before? More like Drew Bangmemore! Am I right? A really beautiful and wonderful (WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CHOOSE!??) moment was when Barrymore finds out that the Hooters Sandler took her to on their first blind date was actually the Hooters his dead wife worked at and this is something she finds both charming and romantic…?

Sandler handles sentimentally with the subtlety of a syphilitic whore from the French Revolution. The over-the-top cheese of it all burns. He reminisces about his deceased wife while the woman he is currently on vacation with sings to his children in a tent- meanwhile Sandler is standing behind the tent- with his dick in his hand, mid-piss. And that’s how we as the viewer feel; like Sandler’s limp dick in the cold safari air, just hoping for this weak-as-piss excuse for a holiday to end.

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The cast’s reaction to the script

The only person in this film that shouldn’t be embarrassed by their desperate need for a paycheck is Jessica Lowe who plays Ginger. Yes, the character’s description probably was ‘Blond, boobs’, but Lowe is the only source of laughs in this film where you’re actually laughing WITH the film, rather than laughing at all the life choices you made leading up to you having to sit through this 117 minute fart joke of a film.

I almost feel hypocritical because I love bad jokes and I love a punch line that’s just the word butthole. But this film is so stupid that it actually feels the need to explain the stupid jokes it makes because it’s concerned you wont understand the intricate structure behind no one in Africa being able to pronounce a greek last name. This is such an easy movie to assassinate because it is stone cold garbage but I don’t do this in order to jump on a bandwagon, I do this because right now Adam Sandler is wading in a pool filled with cash money. In an interview recently, Sandler admitted that he sets his films in places he wants to take holidays. This is shocking because the camera exposes a side of Africa never before captured on film. Haha nah jk at one point to end a pointless they just cut to two rhinos humping. It’s what Kubric would have wanted.

I give this film two Rob Schneiders and half a David Spade.

Stop now Adam Sandler. Please stop.

Blended – Review

X-Men: Days of Future Past – Review

x-men-days-of-future-past-poster-2-x-men-dofpIn 2000 Bryan Singer directed X-Men, and launched a successful superhero series. X2 saw Singer revisit that world, and the lovable mutants he had dragged onto the big screen (also Halle Berry) again caused quite a stir. Then Singer took a step away from the world and everything took a tumble worse than having your entire body injected with adamantium – enter X-Men: The Last Stand. A film whose mutant power is being terrible.

In 2011, as an apology to fans of cinema and fans of not being punched in the face by a terrible film, X-Men: First Class re-launched the universe and – while it completely messed up the canon of pretty much every character – I loved it. And now we’re back. Back with papa Singer, back with the X-men, back to the Days of Future Past.

Days of Future Past works as a sequel to both First Class AND The Last Stand by functioning in several strands of time. Set in a dystopian future (which in the original comic was actually 2013. lol) where mutants are hunted and exterminated by über-weapon-soldier-robots: the Sentinels. Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page) sends the consciousness of Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) back in time in order to prevent a chain of events leading to this very bleak future of Shawn Ashmore’s patchy beard.

So Wolverine travels back to 1973 where he must confront a drunk Professor Xavier (James McAvoy) and a goddamn sexual beast of a Magneto (Michael Fassbender) and they all attempt to convince Academy-Award Winner Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) that she shouldn’t assassinate the scientist and creator of the Sentinels, Bolivar Trask (Peter Dinklage). While Wolverine attempts to re-write history, the old gang of surviving mutants still exist in the future, holding fort before an onslaught of Sentinels crashes down and ruins their awesome Cape Convention.

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As a massive X-Men fan (the original 90s cartoon series is still something I hold dear) I didn’t love this film and here’s why: In a film devoted to the idea that one man can be sent back in time to prevent a devastating future, it becomes abundantly clear that Days of Future Past is Singer’s attempt to go back in time to re-write The Last Stand out of public consciousness. This would be fine, but it isn’t anything new or interesting, he’s just relying on his old tricks plus heavy-handed injections of schlock and exposition. And Halle Berry’s garbage, garbage haircut.

This isn’t a case of a bad story – it’s just not a very good script. There’s so much elbow digging and self-aware winks to the audience. The films of the X-Men have never been incredibly subtle, but this seems to go above-and-beyond with hideously unnecessary digs. “You can control metal? My mom knew a guy that could do that…” CRINGE. Spoken by Quicksilver (you thought Halle Berry looked stupid? Who the hell styled Evan Peters?) to his father, this is all telling instead of showing, and that’s insulting to an audience. It’s not a good script. The film also boasts more cameos than a farewell to Barbara Walters, which again, is more a wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the audience of how LUCKY we are to see these actors reunited. But are we? What does it serve if in the end the mains are left filling in the gaps between heavy exposition and jabs at fans with half-hearted monologues and frowning (so much frowning).

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I also feel like the weighting of the story just seems off. There’s a genocide, there’s the Vietnam War, but forget all those because the focus falls almost entirely on the minor relationships of the characters. Even when everything comes to a head, it isn’t the chaos of trying to stop the Mystique that causes Wolverine to stumble; it’s seeing Josh Helman’s handsome, handsome face. First Class uses the Cold War as a backdrop for rising tension. Days of Future Past uses the Vietnam War, and to a lesser extent the future war against the Mutants, for lazy allegory and cute retro army outfits.

Did I mention Josh Helman is very handsome?

I guess I was underwhelmed because I had invested so much into First Class, the sleeker story, the new approach to the aesthetic and rebuilding characters –Days of Future Past just feels like regression. Sure it was nice to have the old gang reunited and Hugh Jackman’s bare ass, there’s something so familiar and overdone here that it became more of a labor to watch than a labor of love.

I’d also like to argue that it’s time to put Wolverine away now. Put him away. X-Men should have been called “Wolverine & The X-Men“, X2 should have been called “2 Wolv 2 erineThe Last Stand? More like Wolverin3. X-Men Origins: Wolverine? More like Wolverine Wolverine: Wolverine. That recent movie The Wolverine? WELL I THINK I’VE MADE MY POINT. There are a kajillion bazillion (some Brazillian!) mutants. Please stop making Wolverine the lead in every X-Men film. PLEASE. WE GET IT. HE GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND THEN SLOWLY TURNS BACK, REVEALING HIS HEALING CHEEK TO A STUNNED ASSAILANT. WE GET IT.

When you break up with a mutant, he becomes your ex-man. Some might just be better left in the past.

Not so much Mutant and Proud as meh-taints and blahhhd. Been there, done that.

X-Men: Days of Future Past – Review