2001: A Space Odyssey, Citizen Kane, Battleship Potemkin, these are all films. In 2014 Adam Sandler has also made one I guess. Blended is a film that has actors in it and a script someone probably spent an afternoon working very hard on.
Starring Adam Sandler as Boring Adam Sandler, his dead wife used to work at Hooters so he takes Stuffy Drew Barrymore (Drew Barrymore) there on a first date where she immediately forgets how to eat food like a human and spits an entire meal down her front, then insults Adam Sandler. These two! They’re so different!
So Drew Barrymore’s full-time job is reorganizing people’s closets. That’s her full-time job that she supports her two kids with. She has a business with her best friend (Wendy McLendon-Covey ) called ‘Closet Queens’ because they’re the queens of organizing closets. This lends itself to some ‘comedy’ later because people assume that Barrymore and McLendon-Covey are lesbians. Look beyond the point that a closet queen is typically a term used for a homosexual man because gays, am I right? It’s funny! Are you having fun yet? Sandler works for Dick’s sporting goods which is funny because dicks.
So Stuffy Drew Barrymore and Boring Adam Sandler both have children of their own. Hooters Ghost Mom died (this is the only way Sandler knows how to get any empathy for his boring garbage character) leaving Sandler to raise their three girls on his own. His eldest daughter Hilary (which Sandler calls ‘Larry’) and the middle daughter Espn (Named after ESPN. Yeah) have short hair. Because Sandler works in a sporting goods store, the girls are dressed in sporting wear. So for the whole film there is a ‘funny’ ‘comedy’ ‘joke’ about the girls who look and sound absolutely like girls being referred to as boys. I guess this would be funny if you accidentally fell onto a rusty pipe that had broken through some unstable flooring in a factory somewhere and lobotomized yourself to the point where giggling was the only way you could verbalize any kind of thought or feeling. Honestly this joke reoccurs so often until Larry gets hair extensions and wears a dress. Then she’s finally an ACTUAL girl and Zak Henri (I AM STILL NOT OVER THE LOSS OF BUNHEADS) wants to throw it in her because finally she isn’t some disgusting amalgamation of a shorthaired, tit-less lesbian freak of nature with no discernable gender.
This is the kind of hilarity you can expect from Blended which was neither written or directed by Sandler, but features the most low-grade, uninspiring notion of what comedy is. I guess that’s the most depressing part about the film. Blended takes the comedy genre back ten years, sits it down and says “you been havin’ a lot of laughs recently haven’t ya buddy. Well maybe it’s time we tone it down, all right champ? How about we give your mother a rest and we just – we don’t do so many jokes in the house? Ok buddy? Can you look at me when I’m talkin’ to you? That’s a good comedy.” But it isn’t a good comedy.
Anyway, boring plot fodder occurs and Sandler and Barrymore take their families on holiday to South Africa. Inevitably they bond and Sandler becomes the father figure to Barrymore’s sons and Barrymore shoves an entire mascara brush into the eyes of Sandler’s dudeghters to make them REAL CHICKS. Honestly one of my favorite scenes (DO I HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE?) was when Larry screams “I HAVE MY PERIOD” (DISGUSTING!!!) to her father, so he has to go to the store to buy tampons (GROSS!!!) and has a TERRIBLE TIME reading out all the product names. “Poise?” he pronounces like pussy. “Isn’t that a little close?” Yeah, sure it is, you illiterate bastard. You should be sterilized. Oh another highlight is when Barrymore puts on the ugliest black dress and all of a sudden Sandler is able to see her for the hot chick with tits and vagina that she is, rather than the boring plain-clothed normal frumpy pile of garbage she was before? More like Drew Bangmemore! Am I right? A really beautiful and wonderful (WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CHOOSE!??) moment was when Barrymore finds out that the Hooters Sandler took her to on their first blind date was actually the Hooters his dead wife worked at and this is something she finds both charming and romantic…?
Sandler handles sentimentally with the subtlety of a syphilitic whore from the French Revolution. The over-the-top cheese of it all burns. He reminisces about his deceased wife while the woman he is currently on vacation with sings to his children in a tent- meanwhile Sandler is standing behind the tent- with his dick in his hand, mid-piss. And that’s how we as the viewer feel; like Sandler’s limp dick in the cold safari air, just hoping for this weak-as-piss excuse for a holiday to end.
The only person in this film that shouldn’t be embarrassed by their desperate need for a paycheck is Jessica Lowe who plays Ginger. Yes, the character’s description probably was ‘Blond, boobs’, but Lowe is the only source of laughs in this film where you’re actually laughing WITH the film, rather than laughing at all the life choices you made leading up to you having to sit through this 117 minute fart joke of a film.
I almost feel hypocritical because I love bad jokes and I love a punch line that’s just the word butthole. But this film is so stupid that it actually feels the need to explain the stupid jokes it makes because it’s concerned you wont understand the intricate structure behind no one in Africa being able to pronounce a greek last name. This is such an easy movie to assassinate because it is stone cold garbage but I don’t do this in order to jump on a bandwagon, I do this because right now Adam Sandler is wading in a pool filled with cash money. In an interview recently, Sandler admitted that he sets his films in places he wants to take holidays. This is shocking because the camera exposes a side of Africa never before captured on film. Haha nah jk at one point to end a pointless they just cut to two rhinos humping. It’s what Kubric would have wanted.
I give this film two Rob Schneiders and half a David Spade.
Stop now Adam Sandler. Please stop.