What To Expect When You’re Expecting

What to expect when you’ve lost the will to live in a cinema

Many of you may not know this about me – but I was actually a direct result of birth once, which makes me somewhat of an authority when it comes to pregnancy. It is because of this experience and knowledge that I can honestly say What to Expect When You’re Expecting is the film equivalent of a baby coming out sideways. Super painful.

Like many films I have no respect for – I’m going to put spoilers in here. This will only matter if you’re planning to see this mess – which, if you are, you’re a sociopath.

The film, like any pregnancy not occurring in Jessica Simpsons’s Club Med womb, lasts for nine months. Pack plenty of snacks, and write a note to your elderly relatives because you’ll probably never see them again. It’s tiresome, laboured and predictable – and that’s just the first five hours. Then the film forces you to push through a series of terrifying ‘happily ever after’ endings for all six hundred members of the cast. Vaginal tearing, prolapsing and Bristol Palin’s opinions are a blessing compared to this insult to both child-birth and film alike.

What To Expect When You’re Expecting is based off a pregnancy guide. A series of half-baked stories of various women in various baby-related situations with an ensemble cast that can best be summarized by the cameo of ‘That fourth guy from the Black Eyed Peas’; What to Expect offers less insight into pregnancy than me explaining to a seven-year-old how you can get pregnant from a toilet-seat (but only if the toilet-seat gets you drunk first).

The idea of summarizing the plot is giving me cramps, but here we go:

Plot arc 1: Cameron Diaz is a host of a ‘Biggest Loser’ type weight-loss program which must be going really well for her because she’s also on a ‘Dancing With The Stars’ type program. Her dancing partner, Mr Schuester from Glee, performed the mambo in her pants one night because she pregnant. This storyline was my favourite because it goes into quite an interesting debate on circumcision in modern society. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING!! It’s really horrible and treats the subject with no class or intelligence whatsoever.

Plot arc 2: Elizabeth Banks has written a children’s book about breast-feeding, owns a baby store. She and her husband have been trying to have a baby for years- but one night she gets drunk and they have sex in a fertility shrub and lo! She pregnant. Her husband, Gary is incredibly supportive and Elizabeth Banks pees herself a lot. Her birth is actually really traumatic and she realizes that she’s romanticized the entire process. Then she has a baby, almost dies, but this is okay because her only function was to produce a child and she’s done that so she can finally feel complete! This also has a sub-plot of Gary’s father, Dennis Quaid.

Dennis Quaid’s wife Skyler is like 19, and beautiful and has no problem with her pregnancy at all – so it’s like she’s the opposite of Elizabeth Banks! This leads to a lot of comedic situations like ‘hey look! It’s the opposite!’. Ha ha, oh man, you just can’t make this stuff up. Elizabeth Banks has to speak at a conference for expecting mothers where she breaks down and does a really good impression of Samantha from Sex & The City in that episode where she had to speak at that cancer benefit and she takes off her wig and swears a few times and then all the other women take off their wigs.

Plot arc 3: Anna Kendrick has ‘sex’ with Chace Crawford and gets pregnant. Then she loses the baby and decides to break-up with Chace Crawford because she went through something really traumatic and he supported her through the whole thing. This storyline was AWFUL because it made no sense and is one of the major moments where you realize this film is more interested in getting cheap emotional reactions than anything else. I will, however, give this plot-arc credit for being one of the more hilarious of the bunch. I mean, Chace Crawford having heterosexual sex? I’m still laughing. (OHH, A BITCHY GAY! I bet you’ve never seen one of THOSE before!)

Plot arc 36:  Jennifer Lopez and a guy who does an amazing impression of Puss in Boots cant have a baby so they decide to adopt. Jennifer Lopez’s life is meaningless without a baby, so she needs to adopt one RIGHT NOW. Puss in Boots is less keen to adopt a child because he’s a man and men are naturally hesitant to be parents. Puss in Boots is then forced to mingle with four men who are all stereotypical men (“WOMEN BE TRIPPIN!”). These ‘dudes group’ scenes are some of the WORST. And in this film – that’s saying something.

Rebel Wilson (Bridesmaids, A Few Best Men) is definitely the highlight of this film, because she’s genuinely funny. Her shit southern accent aside – she’s watchable. The rest of the film is clunky and really not very good. I think the reason why I’m so poisonous about this particular movie is that it’s pitched at such an offensive level to try and wring the audience for their sweet, salty pregnant tears.

The entire time the film is playing, you can basically hear the producers, tilting their heads to the side and patronizingly whispering into your ear:

“Oh no, this woman had a miscarriage! A MISCARRIAGE! ISN’T THAT TERRIBLE? HERE’S SOME SLOW MUSIC AND A SLOW-MOTION MONTAGE OF HER CRYING IN DIFFERENT BEDS! CRY WITH HER, OR YOU’RE DEAD INSIDE!! IF YOU’RE DEAD INSIDE NO ONE WILL WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH YOU!!”
“Oh no, this woman almost died having a baby – BUT NOW SHE HAS A BABY EVERYTHING IS FINE! NOW SHE FEELS COMPLETE! DON’T YOU WANT THAT TOO? WITHOUT A CHILD YOU’RE ONLY HALF A PERSON”
“Oh no, this woman is Jennifer Lopez”
“Cameron Diaz’s plastic surgeon isn’t sorry for what he did to her face. HE ISN’T SORRY AT ALL!!!”

Please, please don’t waste your time – and please don’t give this film any of your money. Treat it like the Prom Night Baby it is, and put it in a dumpster.

Baby on Bored.

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4 thoughts on “What To Expect When You’re Expecting

  1. I enjoyed this film, mainly because I saw it in Gold Class for free and was plied with churros and champagne beforehand. At 11 o’clock in the morning.

  2. MAT PUSS IN BOOTS GUY WAS PAOLO IN LOST. AWFUL, STUPID, WHAT-THE-FUCK-HOW-DID-YOU-MAGICALLY-APPEAR-ON-THE-ISLAND-ONLY-IN-THE-3RD-SEASON, BURIED-ALIVE-THANK-GOD PAOLO.

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