50 Shades of Grey – a review by the most single person in the world

Based on the lady-porn of the same name, 50 Shades of Grey is the film you already know it is. It’s all about the sexy world of dominant and submissive relationships, of bondage and a timeless love based on Twilight fanfic. But is it actually sexy? Is it empowering to women? Is it even a good film? To discuss, I’d like to present to you:

 50 Shades of Tay: a journey into 50 Shades of Grey through the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s 1989.

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1.) Like any true love. It drives you crazy. But you know you wouldn’t change anything, anything… anything? (Welcome to New York)

Set in the sexiest city in the world, Seattle, 50 Shades stars Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele, a name so sexy you must pronounce it like your tongue is allergic to consonants (uh-nuh-stuh-sia). Anastasia is an English Lit student who, as a favour for her sick housemate, interviews the mysterious, brilliant, tormented Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). As we all know, Grey is into some kinky stuff, and prefers his relationships be dictated by the rules of a contract he has drawn up, allocating him total dominance.

2.) He says, “What you’ve heard is true but I can’t stop thinking about you” (Style)

Almost immediately, Grey is taken by the sheer charisma vacuum that is Anastasia Steele. She doesn’t know how doors work, she doesn’t have a pen, and she’s a terrible interviewer! Could he GET any more boners?! She asks him five questions, then is walked to an elevator and must immediately cool off in the sexy Seattle rain because her vagina is almost literally on fire from impeccably dull questioning. And yet this chance meeting throws our two lovebirds into a furious spiral of passion. Christian shows up at Anastasia’s sexy job at a hardware store (more like HARD WHERE, RIGHT LADIES?). After some hijinks, Grey shows Steele his softer side, and then his backside and boom. Sexy times. Right? Right…..?

3.) You were too afraid to tell her what you want. And that’s how it works. It’s how you get the girl (How You Get the Girl)

As an audience member, you’re already aware that there’s to be some kind of kink to the sex in 50 Shades, so it’s with expert precision by director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenplay writer Kelly Marcel that they draw this out to the point where the film is all but consumed with the sexiest act two people can partake in: paperwork. Oh yeah, spit on your hand and get ready to watch a film that is predominantly about Anastasia signing Grey’s sex contract. There’s also the development of the relationship, which consists of Anastasia protesting against Grey’s rules – for instance, she must sleep in her own separate bedroom. But this seems to work, because although she appears to be unequivocally unhappy, Anastasia continues to return, pining for the next time Grey will shun her advances to scrapbook their first dates or whatever it is couples do.

4.) Boys only want love if it’s torture. Don’t say I didn’t say, I didn’t warn ya. (Blank Space)

I’m pretty sure Grey was a victim of statutory rape, as a young boy he became the submissive of a friend of his mother’s, and due to this, he explains, he has a proclivity for this kink  – a relationship devoted to the art of BDSM. Anastasia doesn’t seem to mind, because she loves him so much we’re to assume as she tells us almost as often as she looks forlorn at her troubled lover.

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5.) If you love like that – blood runs cold (Bad Blood)

Meanwhile, Grey – who doesn’t want to have a proper relationship outside of the dom/sub dynamic, takes Anastasia to meet his family. A breath of fresh air as Marcia Gay Harden (MORE LIKE MARCIA GAY HARD-ON, GET IT? SEXY MOVIE) actually injects some life into the otherwise sluggish pace. Rita Ora apparently received enough retweets to have half a sentence of dialogue for the strangest cameo ever. Grey also makes sure to be clearly not in a relationship by hiring a glider plane (it looks like a sperm. SEXY) and taking her on romantic helicopter rides. Is it clear now? He definitely does not want romance, except for these huge gestures of romance.

6.) This love is bad (This Love)

Ultimately, 50 Shades is a love story. But it’s not love between Steele and Grey, it’s the love Grey has with a certain kind of sex, and how his love for that sex informs his relationships. Steele is not a modern day heroine in literature and film. Let me be clear: I am in no way chastising the sex within the film. As someone who partakes in dominant/submissive behaviour every time I’m around a breakfast buffet, I am totally on board with that side of the film. What I found to be a really ugly underside of the film was the treatment of Steele as a human, and how she lays down and takes it (quite literally), clearly unhappy and the take-away from the film is that she’s lucky. Lucky to have an emotionally abusive, scowling genius. Steele herself acts as a critique on women, juxtaposed with slinky blonds. She’s not like regular girls! Bet you didn’t know she’s a collector of vintage cars! Are we supposed to pine for the life Grey will provide her? A sterility so cold that even a Rita Ora cameo is a welcome departure from the otherwise couple dominating screen time.

7.) This is gettin’ good now (Wildest Dreams)

So anyway – she never signs the contract, but at one point after being tied up and hit with a cat o’ nine tails, she’s like “ok let’s do some kink”. They do. She hates it.

8.) Remember when we couldn’t take the heat – I walked out, I said I’m setting you free (Out Of The Woods)

She walks out.

9.) The more I think about it now the less I know (All You Had To Do Was Stay)

The soundtrack is good? Tim Burton’s Friend Danny Elfman scored the film and the soundtrack is actually quite good. That’s the only redeeming quality I can think of.

10.) Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate (Shake It Off)

Superfans of the novels are ultimately going to love the film, I’m sure. For me, 50 Shades of Grey was problematic, but more than that: it’s not a very good film. Shonky script, average performances and it’s way, way too long.

Spanks, but no spanks.

This post first appeared on http://blog.presto.com.au/ but I wrote it so I can DO WHAT I WANT, MOM!!!

50 Shades of Grey – a review by the most single person in the world

Mat’s Top 10 Films of 2014

2014 was a great year for films! Unless you’re Kim Jong-Un who was really looking forward to Horns. What a disappointment for him! So – here are my top 10 films of this year:

Blended_(2014)_Poster10. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Recently divorced Lauren (Drew Barrymore) and widower Jim (Adam Sandler) go on a terrible blind date! Jim and Lauren couldn’t be more different. But when they both try and steal a holiday from their friends, they end up going ON THE SAME HOLIDAY! WITH THEIR KIDS!

9. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore reunite for the first time since their last reunion to tell the story of Jim (Sandler) and Lauren (Barrymore). Both are terrible parents because Lauren has sons (a woman raising men!!!) and Jim has daughters (what’s a period!!!!! tampons??? handbags!!! ack!). Also it’s a story of true love and parachuting.

8. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Here’s a story of a lovely lady (Barrymore) who was bringing up two very lovely boys. Both of them have ADD and hate their mother, the youngest one in curls. Here’s a story of a man named Sandler (Sandler) who was busy with three daughters of his own. He treats them like men, they miss their mother. We are all alone.

7. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Drew Barrymore (Drew Barrymore) and Adam Sandler (Adam Sandler) go on a family vacation and blend their family (editors note: this is where the title gets its name from. The blending of families. The vacation is for blended families and the movie is called Blended it DOES NOT have anything to do with the Youtube series Will It Blend).

bella536. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

As Drew Barrymore (Drew Barrymore) awoke one morning from uneasy dreams she found herself transformed in her bed into a gigantic insect.

5. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

This film is very funny. I liked the part where Drew Barrymore TOOK THE PLACE OF ADAM SANDLER’S DEAD WIFE. DON’T WORRY GIRLS, YOUR NEW MOTHER IS HERE. Also how weird was it that no one thought to check on the coping mechanism of that one daughter who was convinced her mother’s ghost was hanging around??? Kinda dark if you ask me, a professional psychologist and part-time gymnast.

4. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Grossly overweight Jim Sherman Klump (Adam Sandler), desperate to lose weight, takes a special chemical that turns him into the slim but obnoxious Lauren Buddy Love (Drew Barrymore).

3. Obvious Child (dir. Gillian Robespierre) / Mommy (dir. Xavier Dolan)

A tie for third! I love Jenny Slate, so a film starring her AND her best friend Gabe Liedman – there was no way I couldn’t like this film. Disarmingly charming, Robespierre attempts to tackle the topic of a modern love story, sometimes things go wrong, but sometimes that’s alright. Obvious Child is funny, full of heart and just an absolute delight to watch.

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Dolan’s films, I hate to admit, I wasn’t entirely familiar with. But having the opportunity to watch both Tom at the Farm and Mommy in rapid succession, it’s easy to become nauseated by how talented the TWENTY-FIVE YEAR OLD directer is. Mommy was an absurdly engaging film and was so interesting to watch because the craftsmanship Dolan exhibits against his heart-wrenching script makes for a truly unusual but absolutely brilliant viewing experience.

_13956923412. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

Directed by master auteur, Terence Malick, Blended occurs within the sneeze of a single Rhino. Malick takes us on a metaphysical narrative journey through the moments of life that occur between the moments. Like Adam Sandler pissing against a tent.

1. Blended (dir. Frank Coraci)

BELIEVE THE HYPE!!!!!!!

Mat’s Top 10 Films of 2014

Blended – Review

Blended_(2014)_Poster2001: A Space Odyssey, Citizen Kane, Battleship Potemkin, these are all films. In 2014 Adam Sandler has also made one I guess. Blended is a film that has actors in it and a script someone probably spent an afternoon working very hard on.

Starring Adam Sandler as Boring Adam Sandler, his dead wife used to work at Hooters so he takes Stuffy Drew Barrymore (Drew Barrymore) there on a first date where she immediately forgets how to eat food like a human and spits an entire meal down her front, then insults Adam Sandler. These two! They’re so different!

So Drew Barrymore’s full-time job is reorganizing people’s closets. That’s her full-time job that she supports her two kids with. She has a business with her best friend (Wendy McLendon-Covey ) called ‘Closet Queens’ because they’re the queens of organizing closets. This lends itself to some ‘comedy’ later because people assume that Barrymore and McLendon-Covey are lesbians. Look beyond the point that a closet queen is typically a term used for a homosexual man because gays, am I right? It’s funny! Are you having fun yet? Sandler works for Dick’s sporting goods which is funny because dicks.

So Stuffy Drew Barrymore and Boring Adam Sandler both have children of their own. Hooters Ghost Mom died (this is the only way Sandler knows how to get any empathy for his boring garbage character) leaving Sandler to raise their three girls on his own. His eldest daughter Hilary (which Sandler calls ‘Larry’) and the middle daughter Espn (Named after ESPN. Yeah) have short hair. Because Sandler works in a sporting goods store, the girls are dressed in sporting wear. So for the whole film there is a ‘funny’ ‘comedy’ ‘joke’ about the girls who look and sound absolutely like girls being referred to as boys. I guess this would be funny if you accidentally fell onto a rusty pipe that had broken through some unstable flooring in a factory somewhere and lobotomized yourself to the point where giggling was the only way you could verbalize any kind of thought or feeling. Honestly this joke reoccurs so often until Larry gets hair extensions and wears a dress. Then she’s finally an ACTUAL girl and Zak Henri (I AM STILL NOT OVER THE LOSS OF BUNHEADS) wants to throw it in her because finally she isn’t some disgusting amalgamation of a shorthaired, tit-less lesbian freak of nature with no discernable gender.

This is the kind of hilarity you can expect from Blended which was neither written or directed by Sandler, but features the most low-grade, uninspiring notion of what comedy is. I guess that’s the most depressing part about the film. Blended takes the comedy genre back ten years, sits it down and says “you been havin’ a lot of laughs recently haven’t ya buddy. Well maybe it’s time we tone it down, all right champ? How about we give your mother a rest and we just – we don’t do so many jokes in the house? Ok buddy? Can you look at me when I’m talkin’ to you? That’s a good comedy.” But it isn’t a good comedy.

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I am laughter already!

Anyway, boring plot fodder occurs and Sandler and Barrymore take their families on holiday to South Africa. Inevitably they bond and Sandler becomes the father figure to Barrymore’s sons and Barrymore shoves an entire mascara brush into the eyes of Sandler’s dudeghters to make them REAL CHICKS. Honestly one of my favorite scenes (DO I HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE?) was when Larry screams “I HAVE MY PERIOD” (DISGUSTING!!!) to her father, so he has to go to the store to buy tampons (GROSS!!!) and has a TERRIBLE TIME reading out all the product names. “Poise?” he pronounces like pussy. “Isn’t that a little close?” Yeah, sure it is, you illiterate bastard. You should be sterilized. Oh another highlight is when Barrymore puts on the ugliest black dress and all of a sudden Sandler is able to see her for the hot chick with tits and vagina that she is, rather than the boring plain-clothed normal frumpy pile of garbage she was before? More like Drew Bangmemore! Am I right? A really beautiful and wonderful (WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CHOOSE!??) moment was when Barrymore finds out that the Hooters Sandler took her to on their first blind date was actually the Hooters his dead wife worked at and this is something she finds both charming and romantic…?

Sandler handles sentimentally with the subtlety of a syphilitic whore from the French Revolution. The over-the-top cheese of it all burns. He reminisces about his deceased wife while the woman he is currently on vacation with sings to his children in a tent- meanwhile Sandler is standing behind the tent- with his dick in his hand, mid-piss. And that’s how we as the viewer feel; like Sandler’s limp dick in the cold safari air, just hoping for this weak-as-piss excuse for a holiday to end.

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The cast’s reaction to the script

The only person in this film that shouldn’t be embarrassed by their desperate need for a paycheck is Jessica Lowe who plays Ginger. Yes, the character’s description probably was ‘Blond, boobs’, but Lowe is the only source of laughs in this film where you’re actually laughing WITH the film, rather than laughing at all the life choices you made leading up to you having to sit through this 117 minute fart joke of a film.

I almost feel hypocritical because I love bad jokes and I love a punch line that’s just the word butthole. But this film is so stupid that it actually feels the need to explain the stupid jokes it makes because it’s concerned you wont understand the intricate structure behind no one in Africa being able to pronounce a greek last name. This is such an easy movie to assassinate because it is stone cold garbage but I don’t do this in order to jump on a bandwagon, I do this because right now Adam Sandler is wading in a pool filled with cash money. In an interview recently, Sandler admitted that he sets his films in places he wants to take holidays. This is shocking because the camera exposes a side of Africa never before captured on film. Haha nah jk at one point to end a pointless they just cut to two rhinos humping. It’s what Kubric would have wanted.

I give this film two Rob Schneiders and half a David Spade.

Stop now Adam Sandler. Please stop.

Blended – Review

X-Men: Days of Future Past – Review

x-men-days-of-future-past-poster-2-x-men-dofpIn 2000 Bryan Singer directed X-Men, and launched a successful superhero series. X2 saw Singer revisit that world, and the lovable mutants he had dragged onto the big screen (also Halle Berry) again caused quite a stir. Then Singer took a step away from the world and everything took a tumble worse than having your entire body injected with adamantium – enter X-Men: The Last Stand. A film whose mutant power is being terrible.

In 2011, as an apology to fans of cinema and fans of not being punched in the face by a terrible film, X-Men: First Class re-launched the universe and – while it completely messed up the canon of pretty much every character – I loved it. And now we’re back. Back with papa Singer, back with the X-men, back to the Days of Future Past.

Days of Future Past works as a sequel to both First Class AND The Last Stand by functioning in several strands of time. Set in a dystopian future (which in the original comic was actually 2013. lol) where mutants are hunted and exterminated by über-weapon-soldier-robots: the Sentinels. Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page) sends the consciousness of Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) back in time in order to prevent a chain of events leading to this very bleak future of Shawn Ashmore’s patchy beard.

So Wolverine travels back to 1973 where he must confront a drunk Professor Xavier (James McAvoy) and a goddamn sexual beast of a Magneto (Michael Fassbender) and they all attempt to convince Academy-Award Winner Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) that she shouldn’t assassinate the scientist and creator of the Sentinels, Bolivar Trask (Peter Dinklage). While Wolverine attempts to re-write history, the old gang of surviving mutants still exist in the future, holding fort before an onslaught of Sentinels crashes down and ruins their awesome Cape Convention.

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As a massive X-Men fan (the original 90s cartoon series is still something I hold dear) I didn’t love this film and here’s why: In a film devoted to the idea that one man can be sent back in time to prevent a devastating future, it becomes abundantly clear that Days of Future Past is Singer’s attempt to go back in time to re-write The Last Stand out of public consciousness. This would be fine, but it isn’t anything new or interesting, he’s just relying on his old tricks plus heavy-handed injections of schlock and exposition. And Halle Berry’s garbage, garbage haircut.

This isn’t a case of a bad story – it’s just not a very good script. There’s so much elbow digging and self-aware winks to the audience. The films of the X-Men have never been incredibly subtle, but this seems to go above-and-beyond with hideously unnecessary digs. “You can control metal? My mom knew a guy that could do that…” CRINGE. Spoken by Quicksilver (you thought Halle Berry looked stupid? Who the hell styled Evan Peters?) to his father, this is all telling instead of showing, and that’s insulting to an audience. It’s not a good script. The film also boasts more cameos than a farewell to Barbara Walters, which again, is more a wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the audience of how LUCKY we are to see these actors reunited. But are we? What does it serve if in the end the mains are left filling in the gaps between heavy exposition and jabs at fans with half-hearted monologues and frowning (so much frowning).

X-Men-Days-of-Future-Past-Sentinel-x-men-days-of-future-past-dofp

I also feel like the weighting of the story just seems off. There’s a genocide, there’s the Vietnam War, but forget all those because the focus falls almost entirely on the minor relationships of the characters. Even when everything comes to a head, it isn’t the chaos of trying to stop the Mystique that causes Wolverine to stumble; it’s seeing Josh Helman’s handsome, handsome face. First Class uses the Cold War as a backdrop for rising tension. Days of Future Past uses the Vietnam War, and to a lesser extent the future war against the Mutants, for lazy allegory and cute retro army outfits.

Did I mention Josh Helman is very handsome?

I guess I was underwhelmed because I had invested so much into First Class, the sleeker story, the new approach to the aesthetic and rebuilding characters –Days of Future Past just feels like regression. Sure it was nice to have the old gang reunited and Hugh Jackman’s bare ass, there’s something so familiar and overdone here that it became more of a labor to watch than a labor of love.

I’d also like to argue that it’s time to put Wolverine away now. Put him away. X-Men should have been called “Wolverine & The X-Men“, X2 should have been called “2 Wolv 2 erineThe Last Stand? More like Wolverin3. X-Men Origins: Wolverine? More like Wolverine Wolverine: Wolverine. That recent movie The Wolverine? WELL I THINK I’VE MADE MY POINT. There are a kajillion bazillion (some Brazillian!) mutants. Please stop making Wolverine the lead in every X-Men film. PLEASE. WE GET IT. HE GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND THEN SLOWLY TURNS BACK, REVEALING HIS HEALING CHEEK TO A STUNNED ASSAILANT. WE GET IT.

When you break up with a mutant, he becomes your ex-man. Some might just be better left in the past.

Not so much Mutant and Proud as meh-taints and blahhhd. Been there, done that.

X-Men: Days of Future Past – Review

Godzilla (2014) – Review

Godzilla – or ‘Ya mum looks like she’s dropped a few kilos’

Godzilla-2014-Teaser-Trailer-PosterAs someone who watched TWO (!) classic Godzilla films last weekend and having seen a lot of Anne Hathaway movies, I am somewhat of an expert when it comes to monster movies (zing). And this one is 350ft of fun.

I’ll be honest I went in with high expectations for this film because all the marketing materials that were released, especially this trailer, have all been exceptional. Showing the film to not only be a monster film of epic proportions, but something more aesthetically charged. Called the ‘Monster film we deserve’, Godzilla is an impressive feat of effects, action and story that is just so enjoyable to watch. Definitely not the smartest or most challenging film you will watch, but hell it’s a fucking fun ride.

Starring Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Lieutenant Ford Brody, Bryan Cranston as his father Joe, Elizabeth Olsen as a woman, Juliette Binoche as lady, Sally Hawkins as female assistant and the always brilliant Ken Watanabe as a Japanese.

The story follows the Brody family as Joe is at the helm of a disaster at a Japanese nuclear plant, reportedly struck by a natural disaster. But Joe seems to think otherwise. Fifteen years later, he has his chance to prove his suspicions with his now adult son. But when two massive creatures unearth themselves and begin to wreak havoc on the planet, they also awaken an old, terrifying force. This godlike creature known as the King of the Monsters; Godzilla, he’s pretty fuckin rad.

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On thing that always strikes me as interesting is the concept of Godzilla’s motives. In the earlier films I watched (more notably the 1964 Mothra vs. Godzilla) greedy industrialists wake Godzilla from a seriously good nap. He begins to trash Japan, but it’s difficult to tell if he’s doing it out of any malice, or if he’s just a dumb clumsy bitch. Seriously at one point he rolls his ankle and falls headfirst into a temple. Then smashes the temple. Girl, put the lime-a-ritas down you have had ENOUGH. Well in the 2014 Godzilla it seems pretty clear, as Ken Watanabe says 800 times – he’s there to restore a sense of natural balance. These two wankers wandering around, harnessing the powers of humankind and turning those forces against them throw-out that balance, so he has to coward-punch them back to the stone age. Or… gross-reptilian-slime-sack age. Whatever age they came from.

Gareth Edwards really only has a few smaller titles under his belt, most notably his 2010 film Monsters, so it’s interesting to see a film with such a clear and crisp aesthetic that so wonderfully marries to this scale of destruction and chaos. While I could have done with one or three hundred less location cards (seriously don’t allude to a character traveling to a place followed by a jump-cut to a title-cart of that place, I got it. I get how traveling works), the direction of the film is incredibly mature. The final action scenes are just totally wonderful and a real pay-off for the viewer, which isn’t to discredit any of the earlier set pieces that are equally as ace.

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Aaron Taylor-Johnson is so, so dull, but he works perfectly as the bland, indestructible everyman action hero who is inexplicably and unfortunately at the center of basically every monster attack that happens. Cranston brings a really great vulnerability to the film, which is welcomed, and look – Ken Watanabe is really good at being a wise Japanese man. He just is. He also adds these incredible flourishes of camp harkening back to the retro films of bygone days.

This was one of my most anticipated films of the year, and it absolutely hit it in the nuts perfectly. I was not disappointed. I was – like the buildings in the film – totally blown away, or sat on by a giant gross glowing monster thing.

FOUR STARS from me. The only missing star is because there was no Matthew Broderick cameo with him standing by a gumball machine, winking slyly at the camera. Oh that would have been awesome.

Godzilla (2014) – Review

Pompeii

Pompeii or Pomphay gurl, I lava you just the way you are or Mt Vesuvime, Mt Vesuviyou, Mt Vesuvius.

gsregesrnderson-1I don’t want to spoil the ending of this movie so I’ll have to try really hard to not mention the volcano exploding.

Oh wait. Dang.

Pompeii (or Pompe2 as it’s known in Ancient Rome) stars Kit Harington as Milo, who, as a young boy, witnessed the slaughter of his entire village of Horse Whisperers. Many years later, Milo has been traded from slavery into the life of a gladiator. By chance, he meets Cassia (Emily Browning) and kills her horse (not a euphemism). She is obviously immediately attracted to him but gross lol he’s just a filthy slave and she’s the crowned princess of Pompeii. Or the Mayor’s daughter… or something. Anyway, it is not long until the corrupt Senator Corvus (a sober Kiefer Sutherland) shows up and wants toget into Cassia’s toga, but don’t be fooled, he’s a giant ash-hole.

Corvus is like “why does she keep making eyes at that poor guy” and an extra is like “He’s from Game of Thrones” and Corvus is like “Um doesn’t she know 24 is coming back soon?” and the extra is like “no”. So Cassia hates Corvus, Corvus hates Milo and Milo hates volcanoes spewing lava onto his friends. Oh PS a volcano explodes.

Basically, Pompeii is what happens when you put equal parts of Titanic, Dante’s Peak, Gladiator and The Horse Whisperer into a bucket, and mix. But it’s not awful. I mean yes, it’s awful, but only in the sense that it’s exactly what you’d expect from it. I actually loved it and here’s why:

Pompeii+Australian+Poster

Take a look at that poster. Is that not the most splendid thing you’ve ever seen? Kit Harington has a sword, which is wonderful because a volcano’s only weaknesses are swords and sassy insults. (“Hey volcano, u think ur so hot but ur not!”). Meanwhile, Kiefer Sutherland looks absolutely fabulous, like he’s about to battle the volcano by properly accessorizing that cape. It’s pretty clear he’s only trying to marry Cassia in order to distract from his giant bodyguard (Sasha Roiz). And finally, poor Emily Browning :(.

There’s also the subplot of Milo’s gladiator status. More like frowniator. There’s maybe one great fighting scene, the rest look like the cafeteria scene from Mean Girls. Milo’s Regina George in this case being Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje’s Atticus. The two forge an unlikely friendship, that really is more interesting than the romantic storyline whatsoever.

A lot of the film’s effects budget went into trying to give Emily Browning emotions other than ‘vacancy’. There are also one or two really great set pieces that lend themselves to some pretty ok scenes. Director Mr Milla Jovovich (Paul W.S. Anderson) really only uses the 3D of the film effectively once, with plumes of smoke giving the scene a great sense of depth. Were you to see the film in 2D you’re not missing anything at all.

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Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you kiss a man, that’s not always a good thing.

I feel like this is a film that will be unfairly bullied for doing exactly what it says on the box- but I have to be honest, there were a few genuine surprises for me, and I genuinely had a good time. There’s fighting for the boys, and there’s people being trampled to death and covered in lava for the girls! (I don’t know what girls like.) Was the film necessary? No. Dear god, no it definitely wasn’t. But as far as unnecessary blockbusters – this one will give you a good afternoon of enjoyment/mass murder.

 Not so much Volca-No as Volcan-ok.

Pompeii

The Wolf of Wall Street

The Wolf of Shouting at Everyone Then Lets Do Some Drugs and Put Our Wangs In Some Prostitutes

TheWolfofWallStreet_posterSo I saw The Wolf of Wall Street. I mean. It’s a good film. I know so many people are going to see it and love it. They’ll think it’s a great film. I just feel like I’m not those people. I think watching it, I finally figured out where my attention deficit disorder kicks in. Almost exactly 90 minutes into the movie and BOOM I just really needed to check my phone. And I usually NEVER check my phone in movies because it’s rude and no one ever texts me.

Look. Here’s the thing with The Wolf of Wall Street. There is about an hour of the film that I could happily cut out, and it would change nothing. There’d be no adverse affect on the film’s flow, meaning or statement. In fact removing some of the more repetitious content would serve to elevate a lot of that!

And I KNOW recently most of my gripes with films have been because they’ve been too long. But there are other films like Prisoners where I actually was really happy for the enormous run-time! But not when it’s as painfully repetitious as Wolf. You could defend the film by saying “oh but this is just fitting in the theme of indulgence and reflective of the lifestyle of the characters”. To which I say pah. PAH. It’s ineffective.

Here are things I would never complain about being too long:

  • All-you-can-eat buffet tables
  • Penises
  • Burgers
  • Time spent laying really still

Here’s my list of things I would definitely complain about being too long:

  • Movies for no reason
  • Penises
  • Queues to get to all-you-can-eat buffet tables
  • Sharks.

Wolf of Wall Street_Leonadro DiCaprio

So what’s the film about? Leonardo DiCaprio shouts at you for three hours and also cocaine is awesome and if you don’t do it you’re a loser and also chicks are basically great to put your penis inside of and how great are boobs and also money is great.

Just kidding but not really.  Based on the memoir of Jordan Belfort, The Wolf of Wall Street stars Leonardo DiCaprio as Jordan Belfort, a stockbroker who dabbles in corrupt practices on Wall Street in the 90s. The film tracks Belfort from his humble beginnings as a fresh-faced broker, following in the footsteps of his mentor Mark Hanna (played by the shrunken head of Matthew McConaughey under a Toddlers and Tiaras reject wig). Belfort soon becomes obsessed with sex, drugs and the rock and roll of hanging out with Donnie Azoff (Jonah Hill). Eventually, Belfort’s debauchery attracts the attention of an FBI Agent and things begin to become tenser for the cashed up cutie in the classy suit.

BUT WAIT THERE’S SO MUCH MORE. It’s already such a massive story, which is really interesting, and the script by Terence Winter is sharp, dark and incredibly funny. But the amount of content they cover has a tranquilizing effect. Scorsese also employs every filmic device that has existed and inserts it in the film. What occurs is this frenetic vibe that mirrors the life of Belfort that so suddenly spirals out of control. Sure this is all well and good – but there’s only so much of the same ol same ol that we need to see in the film to get the idea.

worst. twister. game. ever.
worst. twister. game. ever.

Casting is perfection. DiCaprio shouts at everyone like they’re icebergs dead ahead. Jonah Hill is a brilliant kind of grotesque, I never knew if I was supposed to want him to get shot, or pull out his prosthetic penis again. Margot Robbie as Naomi Lapaglia – Belfort’s wife – is beautiful and holds her own against the giant, screaming mass of DiCaprio. And from there, there’s just piles and piles of great supporting roles. The main brokers Belfort initially hires are a rag-tag group of misfits that are so hilarious and horrible. Cameos from Rob Reiner and Joanna Lumley were also welcome as they were, and always are, excellent (CHRISTINE EBERSOLE WAS ROBBED OF MORE SCREEN TIME!!!). Also they mention Belfort had two children, but they only ever show one of them??? What happened to the other one?? Genuine question, leave me a comment or tweet me or sky-write me.

Honestly I think so many people will love this movie. It definitely wasn’t my cup of cocaine, and because of that I feel like the length really brought me down, kicked me in the face, and tried to give me a lesson on finances.

Final thoughts: Stockbroker? I don’t even know her.

The Wolf of Wall Street