Oz The Great and Powerful – or Oz the okayish and meh I guess
So I genuinely have a lot to say about this film – which is strange because it’s essentially just a perfectly underwhelming film targeted towards kids. If you’re a parent and you want to entertain your kids for a few hours without speaking to them – take them to see this film! What I wouldn’t expect is to really get a lot out of this film as an adult. I’m sorry – I just don’t think this film holds up for older audiences. I found it pretty tedious.
SO – to summarize my thoughts and because I’m chronically lazy – here’s a POST-IT REVIEW of Oz The Great and Powerful:
I could discuss more of my problems with the film – I mean in terms of a prequel it’s fiiine. It does a great job at setting up a lot of the mythology of The Wizard of Oz without being TOO cringe-worthy. The script is pretty awful at times – to the point where James Franco’s attractiveness can occasionally come under scrutiny when you realize he can’t pull-off a rubbish script. And this is coming from someone with craaaaaaazy low standards… Like record-breakingly low. The other day I put some McNuggets in the trash – and a few hours later I picked them out and ate them. And I’M telling you he can’t carry this film.
Also – and this is just nitpickery – but please don’t decide to try and mirror the absolutely iconic sepia-to-color change of The Wizard of Oz with a 4:3/black-and-white to full-frame/color change if it’s going to be one of the least flashy or interesting moments of the film. This is my biggest problem – for a film about the Wonderful Wizard of Oz – there is NO wonder whatsoever. Things just happen. I liked the look how elements of the carnival in the beginning of the film would fly out of the frame and into what was supposed to be black space, but I didn’t think it was appropriate? Why have doves fly out of the restrictions of the film if you’re trying to make it seem like an oldey-timey film? That to me just seemed counter-productive. BUT I THOUGHT IT LOOKED GOOD. That’s the point of this film, I guess. It looks fine (most of the time). The 3D works well and is used okay…
Michelle Williams is still doing a Marylin impression throughout the film. Much like Nicole Kidman in Cold Mountain, nobody told Michelle that they weren’t supposed to whisper throughout the whole film. Mila Kunis is pretty average. Rachel Weisz I think is a fantastic performer and FOR ME she and Zach Braff (shudder) were actually the two who really pushed the film forward. Scenes without them becomes scenes that really drag.
Look. I really liked the opening credits. I also liked the part where Michelle Williams offhandedly refers to her vagina (you’ll know it when you hear it, perverts). Other than that – it’s super blah.
Don’t expect your balloon to be blown away by this blustery prequel. Rent The Wizard of Oz instead.
A few weeks ago I remembered I had a blog, and I thought “I should blog more!” And then I drank two bottles of wine, and drew a picture of a bee wearing a top-hat. God he was a happy bee.
But it’s Oscars season. The time when celebrities pretend like it’s taxing to sit in a room together, snorting the ashes of Elizabeth Taylor and winning awards. It’s also the time when in three Scandinavian countries it is actually legal to hunt men named Oscar.
King of New Zealand, and professional goblin, Peter Jackson, returns to his favorite series of books in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. I can list all the unexpected parts of the film on one hand:
- Lee Pace riding a moose?
The rest of the film is a slow, 169 minute pandering, self-indulgent revisit of everything we’ve already explored in the Lord of the Rings series. So grab a chair, put on your goggles and let’s delve into Peter Jackson’s ring together.
Setting itself in the beginning of the first Lord of the Rings film (it’ll help with the box set later) Hobbit Bilbo Baggins decides to write the story of his greatest adventure. Elijah Wood is also there for no reason or effect whatsoever. The film then languidly discusses the history of the Dwarf king Thrór of Erebor, who is dethroned by the dragon Smaug. The Dwarves need help – and Elf King Thranduil (Lee Pace) is on a moose nearby. The Dwarves yell ‘Hey help us!’ and Lee Pace is like ‘Moose it or lose it, Dwarves!’ so Thorin, Thrór’s grandson hates Elves. This is all in the first twenty minutes.
We return to find Bilbo on his front bench, and then TIME WARP he’s played by Martin Freeman and the irreverent British comedy can begin. What follows are two hours of Dwarf/Hobbit shenanigans, which should have been the first fifteen minutes of the film. This is ‘characterization’ where we find out Bilbo is slightly anal-retentive. There are also songs. TWO SONGS. These songs are vital to the plot of the film. The first is about how anal-retentive Bilbo is – and we’ve only had 45 minutes of obvious dialogue telling us this, so you really need the song to bring it home- and the second song is about … two Dwarves, one goblet? Okay I don’t know what the second song was about. Ridiculous. This scene sets the tone of the film; the heavy-handed, wink-wink, nudge-nudge style of the references to the Lord of the Rings are so overt you can’t help but feel like the only person who would appreciate them would be Jackson himself… Or a guy wearing a ‘GANDALF FOREVER’ snuggie.
This is where the film finally leaves The Shire and we begin an adventure. After much coaxing, Bilbo agrees to be the 14th member of a Dwarf troupe who are on their way back to Erebor to steal things right from under smug Smaug. They get captured by some mountain trolls (Dina Lohan, Kourtney Kardashian) and Frodo – ugh I mean Bilbo – shows how cunning he can be. A wizard with bird-poo in his beard (seriously) makes out with a hedgehog and then shows up and talks about rabbits. The gang is chased by Orcs on Wargs (otherwise known as a very messy first date), then the show up at an elf village and the Dwarves are like ‘OH NAW THIS IS NOT COOL’ but Gandalf (Sir Ian McKellen) is like ‘chill, no need to have such a short temper’. Because they’re Dwarves… nevermind.
Elrond (Hugo Weaving), Saruman the White (Christopher Lee) and Galadriel (Cate Blanchett) all show up to wizard-block Gandalf, but Gandalf is like ‘Glad-riel you could make it’. Let me break right here to say this was one of the most ridiculous parts of the whole film. I don’t mind Cate Blanchett. I like that she’s a very versatile actress, and I loved when she got hit in the face with an oldey timey radio, but this whole scene just illustrated how Jackson really ran out of tricks. From the first ‘reveal’ shot of Blanchett turning around like some kind of music-box ballerina that fell into a botox well. It’s unwatchable how camp the entire scene is. Cate Blanchett can’t even walk, because her dress is so stupid, so they have to jump cut to close-ups of other things just to remove the need to ever see her walking. Ridiculous.
Honestly there’s so much going on in this film, and none if it is done in a swift fashion. Jackson intelligently spread The Hobbit over three films, so he can take his time with every single scene. The only intelligent thing about this is the sacks and sacks of money Jackson will receive from this decision.
The cast are fine. All six million of them. The Dwarves are a great comic-relief in a film that really has far too much comic relief, Cate Blanchett can’t walk, Ian McKellen is fabulous and Aidan Turner(Kili) is the hot Dwarf. Freeman plays the role exactly like he played Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is unfortunate because both the Great Goblin and the mountain trolls are very similar to creatures we saw in that film too. Obviously Andy Serkis is in perfect form as Lindsay Lohan’s driving record, ugh I mean Gollum or whatever, but again – we don’t need a nine hour scene of Freeman and Serkis doing their taxes in real time.
Shots are repeated from The Lord of the Rings and visually it is near identical to the former films. This is not totally a criticism, obviously the idea is to mash all six completed films together into one boring montage of people walking around New Zealand but it’s the bottom line of The Hobbit. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before. Three times.
This, dear friends, is not the story of a hobbit at all.
This is the story of a smug, hairy dragon that covets gold. He loves gold so much, he decides to milk an already successful trilogy, and inject an absolutely underwhelming, lifeless story. See it if you like, but bring extra cushions because the film is so long, you could bruise your one true ring.
Les Miserables – or ‘Mat outs himself as being a HUGE musical theatre nerd’
Based on the Award-winning musical of the same name, Les Miserables is directed by the Award-winning director of The King’s Speech Tom Hooper, and has an Award-winning cast, set in the Award-winning time of 19th-century France. After stealing a loaf of bread to save his sister’s sick child, Jean Valjean (remember his name is Jean Valjean) is imprisoned for years and kept in terrible conditions (he has to spend a lot of time with Russell Crowe). Years later he is finally freed! But Captain Javert (Crowe) informs Valjean that he will never truly be free, and vows to always be there to totally cockblock any of Valjean’s happy times. Valjean is like “No monsieur” and goes on the run from his parole.
MANY YEARS LATER Valjean reinvents himself as a kindly mayor, Fantine (Anne Hathaway) sells her hair and has a daughter, Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen are typecast and Russell Crowe shows up for no real reason.
MANY YEARS LATER Fantine’s daughter Cosette has blossomed into a beautifully dull character, Valjean reinvents himself as a kindly man in a cape, Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen are still there, Marius (Eddie Redmayne) should always dress like he’s in 19th-century France. Young French men want to rise up against the government, and have wealth redistributed to the people much like they did in that successful French Revolution, and Russell Crowe shows up for no reason.
As you can tell, the storyline is hellishly dense. With a 157-minute duration, this isn’t the kind of film you can casually sit down to watch in-between Christmas brunch and Christmas second brunch. The musical really works as a great ensemble piece, after the second act it expands from the cat-and-mouse story of Valjean and Javert and roots itself within the story of the June Rebellion. Here, with such a strong cast, it’s easy to get bogged down in thinking that this is a vehicle for Jackman, but I honestly believe some of the greatest performances come when Jackman isn’t even on screen.
Let’s begin with Hooper. If you’re familiar with his style, then you’ll instantly recognize the playfulness Hooper is fond of with negative space. Focusing a solitary figure to the side of the frame, with a large portion of the screen empty. It’s an interesting approach, especially when he gives so much room to the songs – emphasizing the performance rather than theatrics. It’s refreshing, like with Carey Mulligan’s song in Shame it’s all about the singer connecting with the song. It’s interesting, but the film is SO LONG that a third of the way through the film you’re just like “Oh, this again? Okay, cool… I guess”. It becomes tired very quickly. I feel like Hooper was so invested in this idea of connecting with solo performances, that he always JUST underplays the potential of the larger, ensemble numbers. A few of the bigger songs (‘At the end of the day’ / ‘Lovely Ladies’) I was left wanting so much more. The end is slightly a pay-off, but I feel like it’s too little too late.
Oh Eddie, you can put your gun in my face anyday.
Jackman approaches this film like he does everything else – with the enthusiasm of ten high-school drama students. To be perfectly honest I think he’s one of the weakest points of the film. His bland but eager approach to the character (spitting when you sing doesn’t make it more emotional, just gross to look at) left me feeling like a French peasant. Hungry for cake.
Hathaway is fine. Her ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ performance is good! And it’s shot well, and fine. Honestly, she’s fine. She dies in the first 20 minutes anyway, and then four hours later at the end you remember she was even in the film.
The film really belonged to Samantha Barks (Eponine, not Lea Michele), Eddie Redmayne (marry me) and most surprisingly Russell Crowe. Barks and Redmayne’s ‘Little Fall of Rain’ KILLED me. It’s brilliant and perfectly realized. Then Redmayne finishes up with an incredible ‘Empty Chairs at Empty Tables’ … it’s the first time I have ever wanted my cinema chair to vibrate. And then Crowe. This seriously shocked me. I had a TON of chubby, phone-throwing jokes at the ready, but all I will say is that I was really pleasantly surprised! He does great, and actually made me appreciate a character I had always felt quite apathetic towards.
Amanda Seyfried is so bland, vanilla is like “girl you need some layers”. Add Amanda Seyfried as one of the most boring characters in musical theatre (young Cosette is sweet and endearing, old Cosette is a sanitary pad), she’s just so boring I don’t even care. She is the epitome of a Les Miserable. And Helena Bonham ‘I’m the same in every damn film I’ve done in the past ten years’ Carter. Sigh. I really wish they had gone in a different direction with the character of the Innkeeper and his wife. These are two amazing comic-relief characters who have the potential to steal the show. Bonham Carter and Baron Cohen don’t even come close. They play themselves, and it’s been done, and it’s boring.
On the whole, this is a great adaptation of a fantastic musical. The cast is strong with some amazing standout surprise performances. It’s enjoyable, but in the end it was more like bread, and I wanted to eat cake…
(Authors note: I know the whole ‘let them eat cake’ thing is from the French Revolution, and this is set AFTER that – I just really want cake.)
I’m one of those people that really liked the first half of the first season of Glee, but now if you mention the show to me, I break out in hives that are partly due to stress from looking for the closest exit, partly due to the fact that I can’t believe Ryan Murphy is still allowed to create sub-par television programs (I’m looking at you, Anne Frank episodes of American Horror Story. Talk about goosestepping the shark…) and inevitably Pitch Perfect will be compared to Glee for several reasons – it’s quippy, camp, and there’s singing. Here’s the one major difference: Pitch Perfect is so much fun to watch that it’s one of those rare cookie-cutter Hollywood films I can’t wait to see again.
Based on the novel of the same name (I don’t… I don’t even know why you’d read a novel about singing competitions) Pitch Perfect stars Anna Kendrick as Beca, an alternative girl who has earrings and wears heavy eye-shadow and doesn’t even care what you think okay so stop trying to make her care you don’t even know her. Her father (she doesn’t even care what he thinks) is paying for her to go to Barden College, where he works as a professor, and urges her to get involved. Resisting all things Barden, Bcca just wants to make her mash-ups and produce music because she doesn’t even care about college or hot dudes at college. They make a deal – if Beca makes an effort and joins ONE on-campus group, her father will pay for her to move to Los Angeles to live her dream of working at a Starbucks while producing music in a two-bedroom, no-bathroom shack in the outskirts of LA (kids, this is reality. Don’t pursue your dreams. Become accountants).
It is at this point Beca joins the dark underworld of competitive college a capella. Barden College is host to several a capella groups, however Beca joins the Barden Belles, an all-girl group led by Aubrey – a future Stepford wife. Aubrey (Anna Camp) lives and breathes a capella, and her one goal is make it to the finals, and redeem herself for prior a cafailures, and finally dethrone the a capella king on campus, Bumper (Adam DeVine), leader of the Treble Makers. There’s also a subplot between Beca and Jesse (Skylar Astin SWOON ETC), where there’s romance but don’t act like Beca’s boyfriend unless she tells you it’s okay? OKAY? You don’t even know eye-shadow/earrings/more eye-shadow alternative.
Yes, the plot is nothing earth-shattering, but this film takes on what is essentially a very over-worked plot, and hilarity, charm and self-awareness that is nothing but fun to watch. The first 20 minutes are exposition heavy, but honestly I feel like they have to be in order to allow for the rest of the film to have fun and riff, if you will. Casting in this film is fantastic. Kendrick does what she can with what is ultimately a really rubbish character (FREE COLLEGE TUITION? A HOT MAN INTERESTED IN ME? WHY IS MY LIFE SO DIFFICULT!). But the supporting cast of the Barton Belles, especially the scene-stealing, and absolutely hilarious Rebel Wilson as Fat Amy, as well as Elizabeth Banks and John Michael Higgins as two heinous competition commentators, take this film to a new level of funny.
To be completely honest, I’m in love with Rebel Wilson – so this review is terribly biased considering I laughed at every line of hers. Most of the supporting characters have a very formulated character – but it’s how the film continues to build their individual insanities, combining some great shock-lines and some seriously gross sequences, that provide a lot of the laughs. And then there’s Skylar Astin. A man with a voice like velvet and an unexplained scented candle in his backpack (not a weird euphemism). WHAT A DREAMBOAT. He also made the viewing experience enjoyable.
The music is great – and absolutely manipulates you into having at least three feelings throughout. It’s strange that Beca’s “alternate” tastes range from Dr Dre to that oh-so-alternative David Guetta (…) but they do some really great covers and mash-ups. It’s also great because the soundtrack is already available and I haven’t stopped listening to it since I left the cinema. I’m not even getting paid to say that! (If someone wants to pay me to say that, I’ll say it twice. I’m listening to the soundtrack now! Where’s my cheque?)
Completely predictable, not challenging in the slightest, and some of the best fun I’ve had in a really long time (AND I WAS SOBER) Pitch Perfect really hit all the right notes for me (HAHAHA WHAT AN ORIGINAL PUN NO ONE ELSE WILL HAVE THOUGHT OF!!! I’M A PROFESSIONAL WRITER).
Pitch Perfect is out in Australian cinemas December 9. Which is A LONG TIME FROM NOW – but if I didn’t write this review now, I’d have never written it. And I think this is important for our friendship if you all watch it and we can talk about it together. Okay guys? Sleepover at my place December 10- the day after the film is released. Bring your own sleeping bag.
I was a huge fan of Kath and Kim growing up. The two foxy morons were undoubtedly one of the best TV duos to hit Australian screens for years. So it’s of no surprise that the nation were excited to see Jane Turner and Gina Riley reprising their roles for the big screen. Unfortunately… we then had to sit through the film.
My thoughts can be summarized with the following:
There’s so much I could say about this film – but it would just be me shaking my head saying ‘No’ for a few hours. The plot is anything but simple – in fact it has so much going on that at times it’s overwhelming. The main gist is that the girls win a trip to Italy, they get caught up with some eccentric royals, Richard E. Grant needed some paid work and it all goes pear-shaped from there. The jokes that actually work are few and far between (I counted 3) but when they do work, it’s a great reminder of just how funny these ladies CAN be.. the rest of the film is awkward, drawn-out and repetitive. Plus there is this INSANELY awkward thread of homosexuality throughout – with Magda Szubanski coming out earlier this year -we’re treated to about 6,000 (rough estimate) jokes about her character being gay. Plus all this heavy-handed dialogue about Marriage Equality. It could have been sweet if it wasn’t so damn awkward…
Not noice, not different but plenty unusual. Don’t let your morbid curiosity get the better of you… just…. no.
Hey I just met you – and this is crazy, but here’s a movie, Totall Recall me maybe
There’s been a power-outage, so I’m writing this on my phone, which is, as I understand, how the Brontë sisters wrote all of their greatest works. It seems almost ironic that I will be discussing the film TOTAL RECALL- a film set in a dystopian future filled with technology, and I cant even make a cup of tea. But I digress, let us discuss the remake to Colin Farrell’s sex-tape: TOTAL RECALL.
I’ll be honest. I really wanted to like this film. Kate Beckinsale is one of the few women that makes me question my sexuality. The question being “I wonder what shampoo she uses to get that shine and bounce?”. But, and let me put this as bluntly as I can: the best thing about TOTAL RECALL is that you feel no guilt whatsoever leaving to go to the bathroom! Thanks to director Len Wiseman, you can urinate for what feels like hours, check your phone, do your hair and casually saunter back to your seat and Jessica Biel will STILL be trying to decide what facial expression she’s committing to! (It’s either ‘worried’ or the face you make when you can’t tell what language someone is speaking.)
A remake of the classic-Schwarzenegger film by the same title, TOTAL RECALL stars Colin Farrell as a factory worker with a hot wife (Kate Beckinsale)- he has a nightmare that Jessica Biel and he were trying to escape from some iRobot extras and then he wakes up and his wife is like “it’s just a dream!” and this is important because reality/imagined reality becomes a reoccurring feature in the film. We will discuss further. Then Colin Farrell flexes his bicep on a balcony, this is important because he has impressive biceps and I’m lonely. He lives in a dystopian future, a world that was destroyed by chemical warfare. Only two habitable areas remain and living space becomes the most precious resource.
Colin Farrell then goes on his commute to work, between the two remaining areas: The Colony (Australia- poor, rains a lot and for some reason has a lot of Asian influence) and the United Republic of Whatever (UK – looks like the UK). The commute involves a really big hole in the earth, and a shuttle that goes through the earth’s core (lol) to get to the other side of the world quickly. Anyway Colin Farrell makes iRobot robots for a living. He decides on a whim to go to Rekall- a place where they can give you fake memories. BUT the catch is: you can’t have fake memories of something you already are/have done. So for me I could totally get fake memories of eating an entire cake by myself because I’ve never done that before! Haha! Why won’t you believe me? Anyway anyway so they’re like “oh what about if you were a SPY! or a DOUBLE AGENT!” and Colin Farrell is like “YEAH WITH A HOT WIFE!” and they’re like “YEAH!” and they’re about to give him fake memories WHEN THEN REALIZE!! THAT’S ALREADY TRUE! Suddenly police bust in and try and shoot Colin Farrell for being such a babe but he hulks out and shoots everyone. And so begins an entire film where Colin Farrell gets into completely inescapable situations, and escapes almost unscathed every time. Bryan Cranston is like mayor of the United Kingdom of douchetown, and he wants to invade The Colony so that he can have more living space. At no point is this really interesting, so feel free to imagine this is just the 900th season of Breaking Bad and Bryan Cranston is trying to sell people meth in the future.
But don’t let what is ultimately a really mindless and unoriginal action film deter you- sometimes people really enjoy those! So lets discuss the biggest problem with this film. LENS FLARE. Apparently, Len Wiseman went to the JJ Abrams school of special effects. SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON LENS FLARE! Got a wooden romantic lead actress? LENS FLARE! Need a dramatic accent to a scene? LENS FLARE! Found a hair in your soup? LENS FLARE!!!!! As soon you become aware of this slight overuse of the effect, it makes the film unwatchable. Regardless of the performances, dialogue or action, all you can see is lens flare. It’s like the ugly flower girl at a wedding. You can’t help but notice it. And like a dog watching you urinate – it just won’t go away.
Once you get past the lens flare (and you have to PHYSICALLY get past it because there’s so much it’s actually tangible) the rest of the film is so underwhelming I won’t even bother. If you’re going because of Kate Beckinsale- just rent the Underworld series, it’s camper but a hell of a lot more enjoyable. If you’re watching for Colin Farrell, just rent anything else he’s in (ESPECIALLY Elektra) and if you’re watching for Jessica Biel then… I dunno.. Reevaluate your life choices?
The only reason why I was actually excited about this remake was because of the woman with three boobs. “Are you going to see Total Recall?” people would ask me on the street. “Three boobs!” I’d reply before skipping away “Three boobs!” And there IS a woman with three boobs and it is very enjoyable because of how hilarious it is! A woman with three boobs? That’s two less boobs than a usual human woman!
Not so much Total Recall as it is a Total Eclipse of your time and money. Do something productive instead. Write a letter to a dear friend starting with “I was going to see Total Recall but I thought I’d do anything else instead…” you’re welcome.
What to expect when you’ve lost the will to live in a cinema
Many of you may not know this about me – but I was actually a direct result of birth once, which makes me somewhat of an authority when it comes to pregnancy. It is because of this experience and knowledge that I can honestly say What to Expect When You’re Expecting is the film equivalent of a baby coming out sideways. Super painful.
Like many films I have no respect for – I’m going to put spoilers in here. This will only matter if you’re planning to see this mess – which, if you are, you’re a sociopath.
The film, like any pregnancy not occurring in Jessica Simpsons’s Club Med womb, lasts for nine months. Pack plenty of snacks, and write a note to your elderly relatives because you’ll probably never see them again. It’s tiresome, laboured and predictable – and that’s just the first five hours. Then the film forces you to push through a series of terrifying ‘happily ever after’ endings for all six hundred members of the cast. Vaginal tearing, prolapsing and Bristol Palin’s opinions are a blessing compared to this insult to both child-birth and film alike.
What To Expect When You’re Expecting is based off a pregnancy guide. A series of half-baked stories of various women in various baby-related situations with an ensemble cast that can best be summarized by the cameo of ‘That fourth guy from the Black Eyed Peas’; What to Expect offers less insight into pregnancy than me explaining to a seven-year-old how you can get pregnant from a toilet-seat (but only if the toilet-seat gets you drunk first).
The idea of summarizing the plot is giving me cramps, but here we go:
Plot arc 1: Cameron Diaz is a host of a ‘Biggest Loser’ type weight-loss program which must be going really well for her because she’s also on a ‘Dancing With The Stars’ type program. Her dancing partner, Mr Schuester from Glee, performed the mambo in her pants one night because she pregnant. This storyline was my favourite because it goes into quite an interesting debate on circumcision in modern society. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING!! It’s really horrible and treats the subject with no class or intelligence whatsoever.
Plot arc 2: Elizabeth Banks has written a children’s book about breast-feeding, owns a baby store. She and her husband have been trying to have a baby for years- but one night she gets drunk and they have sex in a fertility shrub and lo! She pregnant. Her husband, Gary is incredibly supportive and Elizabeth Banks pees herself a lot. Her birth is actually really traumatic and she realizes that she’s romanticized the entire process. Then she has a baby, almost dies, but this is okay because her only function was to produce a child and she’s done that so she can finally feel complete! This also has a sub-plot of Gary’s father, Dennis Quaid.
Dennis Quaid’s wife Skyler is like 19, and beautiful and has no problem with her pregnancy at all – so it’s like she’s the opposite of Elizabeth Banks! This leads to a lot of comedic situations like ‘hey look! It’s the opposite!’. Ha ha, oh man, you just can’t make this stuff up. Elizabeth Banks has to speak at a conference for expecting mothers where she breaks down and does a really good impression of Samantha from Sex & The City in that episode where she had to speak at that cancer benefit and she takes off her wig and swears a few times and then all the other women take off their wigs.
Plot arc 3: Anna Kendrick has ‘sex’ with Chace Crawford and gets pregnant. Then she loses the baby and decides to break-up with Chace Crawford because she went through something really traumatic and he supported her through the whole thing. This storyline was AWFUL because it made no sense and is one of the major moments where you realize this film is more interested in getting cheap emotional reactions than anything else. I will, however, give this plot-arc credit for being one of the more hilarious of the bunch. I mean, Chace Crawford having heterosexual sex? I’m still laughing. (OHH, A BITCHY GAY! I bet you’ve never seen one of THOSE before!)
Plot arc 36: Jennifer Lopez and a guy who does an amazing impression of Puss in Boots cant have a baby so they decide to adopt. Jennifer Lopez’s life is meaningless without a baby, so she needs to adopt one RIGHT NOW. Puss in Boots is less keen to adopt a child because he’s a man and men are naturally hesitant to be parents. Puss in Boots is then forced to mingle with four men who are all stereotypical men (“WOMEN BE TRIPPIN!”). These ‘dudes group’ scenes are some of the WORST. And in this film – that’s saying something.
Rebel Wilson (Bridesmaids, A Few Best Men) is definitely the highlight of this film, because she’s genuinely funny. Her shit southern accent aside – she’s watchable. The rest of the film is clunky and really not very good. I think the reason why I’m so poisonous about this particular movie is that it’s pitched at such an offensive level to try and wring the audience for their sweet, salty pregnant tears.
The entire time the film is playing, you can basically hear the producers, tilting their heads to the side and patronizingly whispering into your ear:
“Oh no, this woman had a miscarriage! A MISCARRIAGE! ISN’T THAT TERRIBLE? HERE’S SOME SLOW MUSIC AND A SLOW-MOTION MONTAGE OF HER CRYING IN DIFFERENT BEDS! CRY WITH HER, OR YOU’RE DEAD INSIDE!! IF YOU’RE DEAD INSIDE NO ONE WILL WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH YOU!!”
“Oh no, this woman almost died having a baby – BUT NOW SHE HAS A BABY EVERYTHING IS FINE! NOW SHE FEELS COMPLETE! DON’T YOU WANT THAT TOO? WITHOUT A CHILD YOU’RE ONLY HALF A PERSON”
“Oh no, this woman is Jennifer Lopez”
“Cameron Diaz’s plastic surgeon isn’t sorry for what he did to her face. HE ISN’T SORRY AT ALL!!!”
Please, please don’t waste your time – and please don’t give this film any of your money. Treat it like the Prom Night Baby it is, and put it in a dumpster.
Honestly this was one of the hardest ‘reviews’ I’ve ever tried to ‘write’. This film left little to no impression on me. It isn’t bad enough to mock endlessly (thanks, Battleship!) and it is no where near good enough to bother mentioning its merits. Plus I’m like super busy doing other things, so I thought I’d just write down my thoughts on a post-it. It’s a blue post-it and that makes me happy.
If you haven’t seen the trailer already here’s the plot: Agent J (Will Smith) goes back in time to save present day Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) from being murdered by this gross evil guy with like totally gross hands you guys (so gross). While in the past, J meets 1969 K (Josh Brolin) and they fight some aliens to save the earth and each other and also Emma Thompson is there.
This isn’t a ‘bad’ movie, it just isn’t very good. There are definitely some people who will enjoy themselves while watching it, and that’s really great for them. I mean just swell.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Ugh, whatever. See it if you want…
Not so much ‘out-of-this-world’ as it is ‘astronomically blah’ Men In Black 3 is out in cinemas Thursday 24th.
If you are unfortunate enough to follow me on twitter, you’ll know that as a professional journalist – much like Phoebe in later seasons of Charmed – I take my reviews incredibly seriously. Do I proofread them? Gods no. Do I plan them? Lol. Do I purchase eighty episodes of the 1960s cult-classic Dark Shadows so I can complain that Tim Burton ruined something I love? You bet your sweet bippy.
But reviewing a film shouldn’t be about how successfully it adapted an amazingly camp and ultimately twisted supernatural soap opera. Simply put, the only reason I’m writing this is to let you know if I think you should see this film.
Gross. No.
Dark Shadows was one of the first of its kind. A serialized television show revolving around the Collins family, initially the show ran for a few years to some success. But it wasn’t until the introduction of the mysterious Barnabas Collins that the show really started to gain a following. For many, the introduction of Barnabas really marks the beginning of the series.
Elizabeth Stoddard Collins, matriarch of Collinwood mansion, rules over her brother Rodger, her daughter Carolyn and Rodger’s troubled son David. David’s troubles vary in each version of the show. Ranging from a sassy attitude to tormenting his governesses with dead rats he hides in shoeboxes under their pillows to… being a quiet, agreeable young boy. It is because of his troubled nature that Ms Victoria Winters enters the situation, to tutor David. There is one more Collins family member, however. Barnabas Collins. One of the first of the Collins family, Barnabas returns to his distant relations – as a Vampire. Werewolves, witches, ghosts, murder, kidnapping, fabulous dresses. The show has it all.
I really wanted to like Burton’s Dark Shadows. Honestly. I thought he would revel in the camp traditions. There’s the opening monologue Victoria delivers on the train – a classic. There are the fabulous opening credits, the incredibly convoluted plots. All this seems to scream Burton! But it seemed scriptwriter Seth Grahame-Smith had other ideas for the film. Rather than embracing the dark elements of the show (seriously there’s a lot of murder and kidnapping and really hideous characters) the film revolves around the return of Barnabas, but not to kidnap women and brainwash them into thinking they’re his long-deceased lover –to ‘restore the family honor and cannery business’. Spare me.
Getting all up in Barnabas’s business is the nefarious Angelique, the witch who cursed him with vampirism in the first place. There’s also Dr. Julia Hoffman, psychologist who attempts to cure Barnabas of his curse, and Willy Loomis, drunkard and hypnotized lackey.
My number one problem with the film is that it just isn’t very good. It’s another vehicle for Depp to dress up like a twat, do an funny voice and flounce around on camera. The supporting cast are hardly given anything to do – they try however to stuff the plot full of various elements, giving each character their own story-arc or secret which, when comes to light doesn’t make any sense. Why? Because we’ve spent the whole time looking at Johnny Depp doing a vague impression of his last five Burton-directed roles. The rest of the cast, especially Elizabeth Stoddard Collins (Michelle Pheiffer) and Carolyn Stoddard (Chloë Grace Moretz) are both wasted in this film. Two fantastic actresses used as character paperweights. Gulliver McGrath, who plays David, has not aged a day since he was in Jumanji. In fact he almost looked younger. Eerie. The character of Victoria Winters is so boring in the film that I can’t even bother talking about her.
The one saving grace, surprisingly, was Helena Bonham Carter as Dr. Hoffman. The only character in the entire film that I found compelling and watchable.
The film undulates between a sexy, rompy comedy and a cheesy family film, but never really finds its footing with either. There are moments of humor, but more often than not the jokes fall flatter than Eva Green’s wig throughout the movie (seriously what’s happening with her hair and why was it trying to strangle her scalp?). Then there are the raunchy jokes that just seem out of place.
Styled exactly like his previous Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Dark Shadows provides no real fabulous Burton touches we haven’t seen before.
Really ‘lazy’ is the best way to describe this movie. Much like how Burton’s Alice in Wonderland was ‘utterly horrifying’, Dark Shadows is lazy, and this lethargy makes the film difficult to enjoy. For instance – Barnabas is a vampire who conforms to all classic Vampy tropes. He doesn’t have a reflection, silver burns his skin, and he can’t be out during sunlight. Oh except he spends 90% of the movie traipsing around during the daytime. What? What indeed. There are also a few twists in the film that are so poorly woven into the story they actually make no sense whatsoever.
But the most heinous crime of all is the fact that this film regaled my spirit-animal, Maggie Evans, to a faux-character. Victoria Winters is Victoria Winters, and Maggie Evans is one of the greatest characters in the show. Victoria says insane things like “Sometimes I feel as if my love for the past is unhealthy! As if.. I’ll lose myself altogether in the past!” And Barnabas is like “That’s because I’m brainwashing you” and she’s like “what?” and he’s like “I said.. isn’t it great that we were both born after the 1700s? Yeah! Jukeboxes!”
Maggie, on the other hand. Is in a cemetery.
In a moment, I’m going to hypnotize myself and forget I ever watched Burton’s Dark Shadows, and just remember the hours and hours and bottles of vodka I cherished watching the REAL Dark Shadows. Maybe I’m biased, maybe it’s Maybelline, or maybe you’re better off skipping this altogether.
